Thursday, July 23, 2009
Mine really is.
I actually used to believe that my family was normal.
Both parents, still together....church every Sunday... Home cooked meal every night with the whole family at the table...backyard baseball games....Deep conversations....
Boy, was I wrong.
I used to believe that the people on Jerry Springer were actors.
I think my family could fit in there now.
I think I am in the twilight zone.
I think that at least 2 members of my immediate family (in generations parallel and preceding my own) need some serious psychiatric intervention.
I am SO over it.
Some people need to grow up, accept responsibility for their actions, and start taking some steps forward in their own lives, instead of blaming everyone else for the problems that they have created for themselves. Quit lying to yourself, and quit lying to me. Quit holding your hand out for more. Help yourself....here's a hint....If you don't like the direction your life is going, turn around and go a different way. Just a suggestion. Quit being a bunch of mooches. GROW UP!
Quit dragging the rest of us down.
Or, we all might need psychiatric intervention before too long.
I am glad that you read my latest notice regarding the usage rights of my bathroom. Unfortunately, I believe you missed the part where I said "choose another toilet".
I thank you for respecting my wishes that you not use my toilet. I do, however, wish that you would use a toilet. It is not acceptable to just pee on the floor.
Tired of cleaning up human waste (A.K.A.- your mother)
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
You have not responded to my previous request that you use your own bathroom. In fact, you have continued to abuse the toilet in my bathroom, and it has grown increasingly worse by the day!!
After finding a toilet full of nastiness this afternoon (SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad, I made sure the plunger was in my hand before I even attempted to flush), "number two" smeared ALL OVER MY TOILET SEAT, and a puddle of piddle on the floor, I must insist that you cease and desist effective immediately.
New rule....No one under the age of *my age* is allowed into my bathroom. If this rule is broken, the new rule will be that no one under the age of *my age* is allowed into my bedroom. If that rule is broken......well.......then you can live in the shed behind the house.
I was minding my own business, baking brownies and labeling school supplies in the kitchen...keeping an eye on the clock because it was coming up on the time to go pick Lane and Eden up from their camp at school. I was getting ready to go...it was about 10 minutes til time to pick them up, and they were only 2 minutes away.
The phone rang.
I saw the caller I.D.
It was my husband.
He said, "GO PICK UP THE KIDS!"
And, it hit me. The power had gone out a few days ago. The clock on the stove is wrong. I am thirty minutes late picking up my kids. AND BJ KNOWS!!!!
I will never hear the end of this!!!
And, to be honest, I feel really, really badly about it. Poor kids!! They were embarrassed....I am embarrassed. At least we can be together in our embarrassment.
They aren't going to let me hear the end of it, either!!!
Monday, July 20, 2009
Eden did NOT put all of her newly laundered, folded clothes into the dirty clothes hamper so that she wouldn't have to put them away. We take our laundry seriously in this house. Remember, I AM the laundry aficionado, and she comes by her laundry affinity honestly.
Ava did NOT barge into my bathroom while I was on the toilet, and attempt to pull me off, stating emphatically "IT"S MY TURN! GET UP!"
She also did NOT see some people of Asian descent in Target this week, and yell out "CHINESE!" and point at them.
Lane and Eden did NOT manage to go to day camp at their school today without their hair brushed.
When Lane asked me if he could play a video game this week, I did NOT ask a question of him in return. I did NOT ask if he had brushed his teeth at all that day. He did NOT tuck his head down in shame, and say "no". It was NOT 4:00 pm.
Eden, at nearly 8 years old, does NOT still suck on her finger. I did NOT decide yesterday that enough was enough, and go to the store in search of thumb-sucking deterrent. She did NOT throw a tantrum when it was time to put it on her finger, and my husband did NOT have to hold her down while I brushed it on. I did NOT say to her that it was only fitting that she was behaving like such a baby, since only babies sucked on their fingers anyway.
Ava did NOT learn how to give a wet willie this week. She did NOT decide that since she couldn't get her yucky finger in mine or Eden's ear, to give herself the wet willie.
My kids are NOT hilarious, and they do NOT get mad when I laugh at them.
Head on over to MckMama's for this special edition of Not Me! Monday, and see what everyone else's kids have NOT been doing this week.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
So, she sucked on her finger, got it good and slimy, and came after me. I successfully blocked her efforts. Sensing that there was no way possible she would be able to put her finger in my ear, she decided to locate her next victim. She made a move toward Eden. Eden was also able to avoid the spit-covered finger.
Seeing no more available receivers of the slimy finger, and not wanting a perfectly good slobbery finger going to waste, Ava decided to give the wet willie to...........herself.
I understand that you don't want to use your own bathroom. I wouldn't want to use your bathroom, either! (I do clean it often, but after one use, it's shot!) But there are two others. Please choose one of these toilets. Or, just use yours. I got it just for you kids! That way, all the nastiness can be contained in one room...and my bathroom can remain sacred.
Since I am pretty sure you are the toilet abuser, please refrain from coming into the bathroom when I am using it. Do not ask me to get up. There is no such thing as taking turns with toilets. You have your own. I will not share mine.
Friday, July 17, 2009
It all started innocently enough. We were playing Monopoly as a family. Having a great time....laughing at each other's jokes....great conversation. I was pretty much dominating the game, but BJ was a close second. Eden, poor girl, was loo-hoo-hoo-hoo-zing (**channeling Jim Carrey**). Badly. She landed on BJ's wildly developed property, and was pretty much out of money, and all 4 of her properties were mortgaged. She was SOOOOOOO darn cute and upset.....I actually felt bad for her. Then....BJ pointed out that I had enough money to help her out. She should sell me a property for $2000. She looked at me with those sad eyes , and poked out her lip (just enough to make me feel bad without annoying me) and asked if I would buy her $60 property for $2000. I felt bad for her, and wanted her to be able to keep playing...so in a moment of compassion (and completely against my extremely competitve nature), I did it. Which put me down to $900 and some change. And the game went downhill from there.
BJ gained momentum, and was relentless against the kids. Once he had eliminated Lane and Eden (and tricked them into selling him their properties for ridiculously low amounts of money), he won the HUGE pot of money. I am SO not kidding....he played against the 9 and 7 year old as if they were adults, and then made me feel bad if I didn't help them (even saying stuff like "You could still play if Mommy will help you!!)
Needless to say, the game ended, and he won. Fairly....not so much. He played relentlessly...but antagonized me to play compassionately. And then just antagonized me for no reason.
I lost my temper. I am still mad. I will still be mad tomorrow. I will still be mad the next time he suggests a board game.
He did make me laugh when he threatened to call our new pastor to set up marriage counseling.
I guess we aren't a lost cause.
But, no more board games.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Trying to block out the ugly sounds and drift back to the beautiful, peaceful land in my dreams, I rolled over and shut my eyes tighter. And then they were on my back. They took me as a prisoner of war. The tattling began. What torture it was!!!
Eden: "I was using the toothpaste and he took it from me...."
Lane: "But I had it first, and she took it in her room...."
Eden:"Shut up, you don't even brush your teeth, you were just trying to take it from me...."
I really lost track at this point, because the civilian casualty had made her way into my room, screaming bloody murder!!
So, I drew up a peace treaty, consoled the innocent civilian, and imposed sanctions....all before breakfast.
What a fabulous way to start the day....NOT!!!
....and so excited when she came over to say "Hello" to the kids during the Spectra Magic parade that I didn't even get a picture. Ava has NOT stopped talking about meeting Mary Poppins; but she was pretty upset that Jane and Michael weren't with her.
We rode ALL the rides...
And, Lane, even with a broken arm, attempted to pull the sword from the stone...
Overall, it was a great day!!
Under the dryer with her pink and white polka dots!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
What a ridiculous concept!!! If you are cold, and need the use of your arms, WEAR A SWEATSHIRT!!! You can be warm, with the added benefit of NOT looking completely stupid! I don't know offhand who designed these poncho-inspired-blanket-sweaters, but, really, these people should really, really, really go to fashion design school. Especially if they are calling their new patterns "designer" colors. Because, as you and I both know, fake-looking-leopard-print on cheap fleece can hardly be called a designer color. I am ASHAMED to say that I saw this product in Target the other day. Ashamed for Target, that is.
The Topsy Turvy
These hideously-patterned canvas planters are an eyesore. I kinda get the usefulness...after all, I have been to the Epcot exhibit that has all the beautiful veggies that are growing upside down.
But, did they have to make the actual container so darn UGLY!!! And do my neighbors really need three of them hanging from their front porch??? With NO...that's right, NO....plants suspended from them. No living plants anyway....the dead, wilted sticks that used to be tomato plants remain. What an attractive sight it is!! (Obviously, my neighbors either A) have a black thumb, or B) do not invest the same amount of time or energy into their "garden" as Epcot. I have a feeling that the answer is B....buying a Topsy Turvy is not a guarantee to healthy tomatoes!! Water is STILL required.
The Touch and Brush
Wow. I get tired of toothpaste on the counter, like every other mom. But I am not so naive to believe that this would be the answer to all my bathroom counter problems.Somehow, my kids would find a way to make a mess with this product. Not to mention, who wants to stick their toothbrush into the same little hole that everyone else's toothbrush has been in. It hardly seems sanitary. EW!
This product is just NOT even believable to me. I do not believe that this product will stop water leaks. And if you want to use it as a coffee mug handle, you should do so at your own risk. If you want to trust Mighty Putty to hold up a cup of scalding hot liquid from falling onto your lap...I would think you were pretty dumb.
Sorry! Just call them as I see them!
Not to mention, you can buy a brand new coffee mug from your friendly neighborhood Walmart for about a dollar.
You do the math...
$1.00 = brand new coffee mug with perfectly undamaged handle
$19.95 = broken coffee mug patched with a clay handle
From the makers of Mighty Putty...this product is possibly more believable in a pinch. But I don't think I would trust it to keep my oxygen supply free of water while Scuba Diving....
Do not work. Do. NOT. WORK. I bought one a few years ago (when I was younger and more naive!!), and attempted to store some things. Probably about half of the amount of things they try to show you in the info-mercial. The zipper would NOT stay closed. The air would not leave the bag. I found it to be an extremely frustrating experience.
This is one product that I MAY like to try. Not sure it would work, but, it is a nice concept.
Ah, Billy Mays. I have used many of the products in the Oxi-Clean line. But, the commercials are misleading. It does not whiten in a minute...
But, then again, my son's socks MAY BE a lost cause.
And, apparently, I am a little late realizing that I should be doing this already.
Better late than never. Right??
I stumbled upon a blog last night that has inspired and convicted me. It was "The Yes Mom Challenge". It posed the following question:
How often do my children ask me (half-of-a) question, and I say "NO!" before they even finish speaking?
I thought about that for a minute, and being honest with myself, decided that this was the case most of the time. SAD!!!
Kid: "Mom, can I go outside and (Me: "NO!") play?"
Kid: "Mom, can we watch a movie and eat (Me: "NO!") popcorn?"
Kid: "Mom, can we go inside McDonald's and (Me: "NO!") play?"
Kid: "Mom, will you play a game with (Me: "NO!") me?"
These are just a few examples of me, being selfish, and answering "NO!" without really even registering the question. I am not even listening to them....much less considering their request!
It just struck me, how selfish I had become.
None of these requests were extreme...in fact, most were fairly simple. It only meant that my agenda would be interrupted a little, and may create some mess to be cleaned up. But, what could it hurt, really?
Even sadder, the older two kids have stopped asking me to play with them on a regular basis. WOW!!
So, I have determined to be more of a "Yes!" mom, and less of a "NO!" mom. I have determined to listen to my children, and spend quality time with them everyday. I have determined to ask them what they would like to do each day.
This doesn't mean that I would (or should) say "Yes!" to every request...but it does mean that I will consider their requests before automatically saying "NO!"
I invite you to take part in this challenge with me! Let's let our kids dig in the dirt! Let's have a picnic in the living room! Let's drag out the puzzle with 1000 pieces! Let's play with our kids! Let's be less self-absorbed!!! Let's let our kids be kids!!
I used to be a "Yes" mom. I used to spend hours a day, simply playing with my kids. Nine years and three kids have changed that. Somewhere along the way, I forgot what kind of parent I wanted to be; but, I am hoping that I will be able to revert back easily.
So, today, we have played Dominos, Monopoly, had yogurt and fruit for lunch (I originally said "NO!", but decided that it was a healthy option, and allowed it.), and made a game of our chores (The kids really got into this!!)! I was rewarded with smiles and laughter, and memories of a great afternoon. Everyone pitched in on the cleaning, and fun was had by all. The laundry aficionado that I am totally forgot to do any laundry today....but, my kids won't remember that....or probably even know about it at all.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
We are on our way to a fabulous Saturday...the guys are playing video games, Eden has just graced us with her "I-just-woke-up" presence, and Ava is still down for the count. We are all still in our jammies (yeah, yeah!! I know it is 10:00; but, this is rare, and I am RELISHING in the experience!!)
Eden and I are about to head out for some girlie time pedicures(she always goes, but has never had one.....today just might be the day!!! The salon here has the cutest little girl pedi chairs that you will ever see!! And, on a completely devious level, I absolutely cannot wait to see the look on her face when they scrub her foot with the pumice...I am giggling just thinking about it!!), and then I am going up to the new church to help set up for VBS. I got volunteered to help...which was fine, as I thought it would be a great way to meet people. And then I got volunteered to teach. Not quite what I had in mind...I mean, we have been going to this church for a month!!! But I am a go-with-the-flow kind of girl....sooooooooooo...I will be teaching the Kindergarten class!!!(My husband is LAUGHING at me!!!!I still don't even have my teaching packet.)
Well, my jammie time has come to its end. Got to get bu-say!!
Friday, July 10, 2009
My husband insists that the word is pronounced "pee-can"....with a short "a" sound.
I, on the other hand (like any good southern girl), believe it is pronounced "pecahn"....with and AHH sound.
What do you think???
In other news, (and, also, on opposite spectrums) we adopted a kitten this week. But, this is merely the ending of a VERY strange journey.
In the beginning of the week, there was an ad on Craigslist stating that the neighboring county had an overabundance of kittens...to please come and adopt them, or they would be forced to put many down. I checked their hours (8:30-4:30) and headed that way, with the three kiddos in tow. We got there at 4:00. (It is important to note: This facility is run by the local government. Yes, folks, OUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK!!!)
The gate was closed, but the parking lot was full. Full of cars, and full of people. Lots and lots of people. LAZY people. People that were employees(OF THE COUNTY!!) After standing at the gate for 10 minutes, a guy(*thug*) sauntered lazily over to the gate and proceeded to tell me that they were closed. (Umm...that isn't what your website said!!!!) Apparently, they really weren't all that concerned with me, or my time, or their actual hours,or the fact their neon sign was flashing "OPEN", or their animals(that were, by their own advertisement, going to be "put down".) So we left...kids crying...me furious...and made the 45 minute drive home.
On the way home, we decided to stop in Petsmart. I didn't figure that they would have any animals there, but thought maybe they would have some advertisements for people. They, instead, had an adoption center for the county that we actually live in. So we browsed. Played with a few kitties...and the kids fell in love with one. In this county(AGAIN:TAX DOLLARS AT WORK!!!!!), you have to fill out an application, provide current and past vet information, ages of your children, phone numbers, employers, pets owned within the last ten years, height and weight, social security number, references, type of food you intend to feed this pet, number of hairs on your butt...etc, etc... COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY RIDICULOUS. After they reviewed my application, I received a phone call (a few days later). At this time, I was told that I needed to establish myself with a vet, and prepay for the kitten's first visit(ummm...excuse me?? You haven't even approved my "application" yet!!!) The first kitten visit was described to me as comparable to a well-baby check for my children. I was interrogated about all kinds of things (including whether or not I would allow this kitten to go outside...They prefer that their animals never breathe fresh air....It's not a safe environment outdoors for animals.) , and then told that once I had established myself with a vet, they would need to complete a HOME STUDY before they could place an animal with our family.
Are you kidding me?
I mean, seriously!! I am all about people taking their jobs seriously...but this really, really seems like overkill. Is it just me?? We are paying these people's salaries!!! Is a happy medium really too much to ask?? I mean, we have the Inefficient-Lazies-Just-Collecting-A-Paycheck... or the Overzealous-Cat-Lady-On-A-Mission.
Needless to say, I got back on Craiglist, and was able to quickly locate a very sweet little kitten that we have named Berrie.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.
This morning, I am NOT embarrassed to take Lane and his filthy, nasty, smelly cast to the doctor. I know that the doctor does NOT see such filth on a daily basis, and thus is NOT phased by it. ( I, on the other hand, REALLY am phased by it, because....it's disgusting. He is a 9 year old boy, in 100 degree weather, with a cast up to his armpit. Do the math...(or...science???? I am NOT sure what that would be classified as...))
I was NOT tempted to pour baking soda, or baby powder, or foot deodorant, or ANYTHING that might reduce the smell into...said cast.
I did NOT wake up this morning to realize that, yet again, I had forgotten to switch the laundry into the dryer. My laundry is NEVER sour!!! I am a laundry aficionado. No one EVER runs out of socks or underwear in this house. Really. Or...not really. I'm confused....
I did NOT forget that my daughter threw up in her carseat at the beginning of our 7 hour road trip home. I did NOT forget to launder her carseat (like I said...LAUNDRY AFICIONADO!!!). My car did NOT remain in the driveway unused for several days, after which, I did NOT discover that vomit that has been in the scorching hot car......smells a little like Lane's cast.
This carseat is NOT still in my car, in its vomit-covered form.
I did NOT get so upset with my kids this week (for their NEVERENDING public restroom "needs") that I put things back on the shelf and walked out of a store, taking them straight home. I am always attentive to my kids needs. And my kids would NOT lie about needing to go potty in order to provide a distraction. Ahem.
Finally, I am NOT writing this post while I should be blow-drying my hair and getting my kids ready for the doctor's appointment.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
In fact, Ava flat out refused to use the porta-potty. She literally climbed up my body, all the way to my neck, and began to choke the very breath out of my body, screaming bloody murder, as if I was beating her inside of the porta-potty (As if that would even be possible...I don't know how we were both in there together...without touching anything. And her tantrum was making it difficult to remain centered in the teeny-tiny water closet-o'-nastiness!! Have I mentioned that I am clostrophobic? And that I HATE public restrooms? And that the porta-potty is in a class ALL it's own, located far, far, FAR beneath gas station bathrooms? Well, it is.).
My beautiful daughter actually suggested that she would pee OUTSIDE on the ground, or in her pants before she would use the porta-potty. It's good to know that my daughter has standards!!
For other Public Restroom Adventures, click here.
Friday, July 3, 2009
***This is the Daily Drama!! I am a wife and a Mama to 3 beautiful children. My oldest is a boy, Lane, who is 9. The girls are Eden, 7, and Ava, 3.
I firmly believe that comedy just, well, happens. And, someone needs to write it all down. This blog is a creative outlet for me, and a journal-of-sorts for my kids(You know, we may need documented proof of certain embarrassing events....).
We have recently moved to a new area, and know NOBODY(well, we have met a few people, but, it's becoming a LONG summer.)***
I like sunsets, Diet Coke, and long walks on the beach(Oh....sorry, this isn't supposed to be a dating ad!)!! HAHA!!! But, for the record, I do like those things. Dislikes are public restrooms, grocery shopping, and seeing shoes in the road /p>
Thursday, July 2, 2009
I LOATHE public restrooms. LOATHE! I ABHOR public restrooms! When I was younger, I trained my body to only have bathroom urges before and after school. I really can't remember EVER using the bathroom at school. EVER. I remember one time that I took a social trip into the bathroom...you know, girls can't go alone....but, that was MOST DEFINITELY the last social trip, because someone had pooped on the floor!!!!! Right in the doorway to the girls' bathroom. Oh, you cannot make this stuff up!
There is nothing glamorous....or even remotely intriguing...about a public bathroom, in my opinion. They are a cesspool of disease and germs and awful smells. Only in the case of an extreme emergency should you resort to using a public restroom. They are a disgusting, horrendous atrocity to be avoided at ALL COSTS!!!
SOOOOOOO....WHY DIDN"T SOMEONE EXPLAIN THIS TO MY CHILDREN????????!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mean, they seem to need to visit EVERY bathroom of EVERY establishment that we EVER have the displeasure of visiting. Is this NORMAL?????!!!!
Lane(9) runs into the men's room before I can stop him, and, of course, he, like another man I know(ahem), feels the need to spend 30 minutes on the toilet. In a PUBLIC BATHROOM. First of all, gross. Secondly, I can't go in the men's bathroom to check on him. And my imagination starts to run wild. So, here I am, pacing outside the men's room, trying to decide how much longer I give him before I go marching in there to investigate the situation. I mean, there are some freaky people in the world. If you catch my drift....I know, I know...I can't make him go with me in the girl's bathroom forever...but....I HATE PUBLIC BATHROOMS!!!!
And Eden? Well, Eden (7) likes to wait until you have 200 dollars worth of groceries unloaded onto the conveyor belt(after you have shopped for an hour and a half, and stood in line for 20 minutes) before she declares that it is an emergency and she is going to have an accident if she doesn't get to go right then.
My three year old knows where the bathroom is in every restaurant and store within a 30 mile radius. As long as we have been there once before, the bathroom is ON HER RADAR. She pitched a FIT within moments of entering Kohl's the other day. She remembered that they had a child sized toilet.
As a general rule, when we are out to eat, my children are not allowed to go to the bathroom during the meal(because, let's face it...I know my kids, and I know that their bathroom"emergency" is actually a diversionary tactic used to get out of eating.). But, we were out with my grandmother, and she insisted that I should not make them wait to use the bathroom. In front of them. Well, now that they knew that they had a sympathetic ear, it was OVER. They poured on the drama. So, I gave in, and took Ava(3) to the bathroom. Immediately upon entering said bathroom, she says, "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...this is CUTE!!!"
Excuse me? CUTE???
I HATE PUBLIC BATHROOMS!!!!!!!
The problem is that when I do get sucked in, I CAN"T STOP!!! I will read and read and read and read and read until I feel like my eyes are going to explode. Once I crack a book, I am not likely to stop until I have finished the final chapter. The same goes with blogs, back-reading entry by entry(many times while sobbing my eyes out!!) This is not good, as I have 3 children and, you know, actual responsibilities.
Sooooo, last night, I did it again. This time in the form of the latest Karen Kingsbury book. I read until 3:45 in the morning, and became frustrated when I realized that it had a cliffhanger ending. And I will have to wait until next SPRING to get the answers I so desperately wanted!!!! UGH!
- Crazy Family
- Piddle Puddle
- Attention: Toilet Abuser...FINAL NOTICE
- WHAT DID I JUST DO????!!!!!!
- Not My Child! Monday
- Wet Willie Weirdo
- Attention: Toilet Abuser!!!
- Monopoly Requires Marital Counseling
- War and Peace Treaties ( With Civialian Casualties...
- Pixies, Pedicures, and Pickle-Pops
- Things I Hate: TV Info-mercial Products
- The "Yes" Mom Challenge
- Speaking of Pec-ahns...
- Pecan or Pecan???
- Not Me! Monday
- She Draws The Line At Porta-Potty...
- Blog Hop Dating Ad (Kidding!!)
- Things I Hate: Public Restroom Edition
- For Love of Reading...
- ▼ July (19)