Tuesday, November 24, 2009

ATTN: Toilet Abuser

Dear Toilet Abuser,

The purpose of the these memos is to teach proper toilet etiquette. Therefore, I must insist that you may NEVER, NEVER , NEVER place a piece of used toilet paper in a box to give as a gift. This does not send a good message to the recipient of such a gift. Along those lines, it is equally inappropriate for you to tell the recipient of such a gift that they may not put it in the toilet, tear it, or flush it. That is, indeed, the only proper way to handle used toilet paper. While I know that your grandmother does appreciate your artwork, used toilet paper does not fall under that category. Let's stick with computer paper and markers.

In addition, please make sure that you are hitting the toilet, and not the floor when you are using the bathroom.

In this establishment, we flush every time the toilet is used. This is not negotiable. Your skills in this area have been lacking to say the least.

The bathtub is NOT an acceptable alternate to the toilet.

The sink is NOT an acceptable alternate to the toilet.

All previous rules, regulations, and memos STILL apply.

Thank you,

Your Mother

Friday, November 20, 2009

Lane-sanity

On the way to school this morning, Lane says, " I actually woke up at 5:22 this morning, but I layed back down til 6:15 to get some more rest...so I won't be dainty today."

As I stifled the giggles, I asked, "Lane, do you know what dainty means?"

His reply, "Yes. It means fragile."

OK, then.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The DMV: Every Bit as Exciting as I Dreamed!

We arrived at the Department of Motor Vehicles, took a number, and sat down to wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.

My number was called. I procured my 15 (or 5) documents. The lady asked, " Don't you have an updated Social Security Card?"

Well, no, I don't. I'm sure that much is obvious, what with the crinkled, dirty edges, and third-grade signature.

What I did have was the following:

Driver's License
Marriage License
Birth Certificate
Social Security Card (ya know, the dirty, old one)
Lease

She said that she would be unable to process my driver's license without an updated Social Security Card.

So, I have been able to obtain a FL driver's license, 2 mortgages....(and the mortgage company even collected the results of my last pap smear!....ok they didn't, but you know it is a rigorous procedure, including thorough credit reports...which, last time I checked, was done with your social security number!), numerous car loans, insurances, phone services, and utilities. I have completed tax returns for the last 9 years, all with no problems.....and no one has ever requested an updated social security card. Until today.

So, off to the Social Security Administration. And I waited. And waited. And waited.Once I got up to the window, it only took a few minutes. But, it won't be fully processed until midnight. (And I still don't have an updated card. Just a receipt saying that one has been requested.)

I have to go back to the DMV tomorrow. Curses!!

I am so dreading the picture! Why can't they take 6, like a portait studio, and let you pick your favorite?

I told my husband that my name has been officially changed. He was thrilled!! His exact words?

"Oh, good! Now I don't have to feel guilty about last night!"

Romance at its finest!

Curse You, DMV!!!

Ah, The Department of Motor Vehicles! What a delightful place!!!! Uh, NOT!

Today, I am off to the DMV for the second day in a row. Apparently, if you are trying to get an out-of-state license transferred to an in-state license, you need a LONG list of documentation, $28.50 in cash (Cash ??....SERIOUSLY! Why can't the government get with the times???? CASH?! At least make it in an amount that can be easily withdrawn from a ATM! )

There are three separate departments of our particular DMV, and yesterday, I managed to visit them ALL, before I was finally pointed in the right direction. An out-of-state license transfer has to be seen by the state examiner. So I get to wait with 16 year old's who are actually taking driving tests. I waited for nearly an hour yesterday and they called one number. There were 10 people ahead of me. The license renewal station had no wait. Seriously. All you have to do is look at my 15 documents, and take my picture. WHY do I need to wait while teenagers take their driving test?!

I forgot to mention that my license is now expired. I really hope I don't have to take a driving test with the 16 year olds. How ridiculous! I have been driving for 15 years without incident. I would think that the DMV could check their records and see that I have been driving for that long...without incident. But, if I have to wait with the 16 year olds, my mind is making me think that I may have to test with the 16 year olds.

I can see it now......

"OK kids, buckle up! Mommy has to take a driving test!"

Kid 1: "Why Mommy?"
Kid 3: "Who is that man in our car?"
Kid 2: "He smells funny."
Kid1: "Does not!"
Kid 2: DOES TOO!"

Me: "Guys, be nice."

Kid 1: "She's not being nice!"
Kid 2: " YES HUH! You are being a stink head!"
Kid 1: " I thought you said that MAN was the stink head!"

(Meanwhile Kid 3 starts throwing a tantrum, because Kid 3 cannot ride or 30 seconds in the car without the DVD player on.)

I slam on brakes in the middle of an intersection, and begin reaming my children out:

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP!! SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTT UUUUPPPP!!! SO HELP ME GOD, I WILL STOP THIS CAR RIGHT NOW AND WEAR YOUR BUTTS OUT! YOU ARE EMBARRASSING ME IN FRONT OF THIS NICE MAN!! YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO BEHAVE LIKE THIS!!!"

I can see the headline now!

Crazed Driver Stops in a Busy Intersection; Terrified Driving Examiner Runs in Fear
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wow! I really, REALLY am hoping that it is just paperwork. REALLY.

Gotta love government agencies!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Back to Semi-Normal....If There Is Such A Thing

After a much longer-than-expected hiatus, my life has FINALLY returned to a semi normal state. I think we are all pretty much aware that there is no such thing as normal...but I am not surrounded by boxes, and we have the basic neccessities: housing, food, water, and internet. What more could a girl ask for?! (Maybe a little less drama.....)

Anyhow, I didn't get to fill you guys in on the MAJOR moving drama. Our original move date was October 10th. So, like the good little organized housewife I am, I packed up the whole house, minus enough clothing for a week and our kitchen. The date got pushed back to the 15th. And then the 24th. And then the 27th. And then the 31st. After that, there was NO MORE wiggle room. We had to be out on the 31st. Period. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. So, ya know, when I got the phone call on the evening of the 28th that we were being pushed back again...I went into panic mode. We spent all day Thursday looking for a new place. Friday we were loading our truck not knowing if we had actualy gotten the place we applied for. Yes, loading the Uhaul with no where to go!!! And then, when the property manager called me that afternoon to tell me that we got the place and could come sign the lease, I was relieved. And then I remembered that I hadn't packed the kitchen. As we were leaving to go sign the lease, the landlord (of the house we were moving out of) showed up to help. So, while we were gone, she packed my kitchen. Unorthodox?? Yes! But it got done.

The landlord of the house that fell through was a major source of drama, as she spent our deposit, so she split it, and post dated more than half of it. We were ok financially, thank goodness, but the principle of the matter sent me over the edge. She took a sizeable deposit from us, did not hold up her end of the deal, and spent it. I was FURIOUS!!! She didnt even tell me. Just sent me a post dated check and a letter. Rude!!

I am finally out of boxes. 5 weeks is a LONG time to live out of boxes.

Speaking of boxes, our family packed up three shoeboxes for Operation Christmas Child. This is a great ministry that sends shoeboxes full of goodies to needy children all over the world. Lane wrote the following letter to go in his box:

Merry Christmas!
I am glad you are getting stuff for Christmas. We are so happy that now you aren't poor anymore. Maybe now you can get smart, and not be poor.

(Insert picture of a reindeer sniffing Santa's rear. I wasn't really sure that this was his intention...so I asked him. It was.)

We are assisting a rewrite.

I have a LOT of blog reading to catch up on. A WHOLE LOT! So if my retinas aren't bleeding by the time I finish (which will probably be several days from now), I hope to be back to my regularly scheduled posting.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Milk Police

Eden has taken it upon herself to keep tabs on each family member's milk usage. She is paticularly interested in Lane's milk habits. Every morning as I am trying to get ready for the day (read: gone back to bed for "just a minute"), Eden comes in and starts whine-yelling (yes, the combo is possible. And ANNOYING!) that Lane is "just wasting all the mi-yulk!!".

See, in her mind, any milk that goes to her brother is wasted. Her definition of wasted is not the same as mine. My definition of wasted milk would be that someone poured it down the drain. Wasted milk would expire before it was used. Wasted milk would be spilled all over the floor.

So, again, I told her "I DON'T CARE! Mind your own business, and make sure you don't waste any of the milk that you poured by not drinking it."

Oh, yes. Did I forget to mention that the milk policeman (er.....police-girl) is notorious for pouring milk and NOT drinking it?

Very ironic....

Monday, October 12, 2009

Not Me Monday

Welcome to Not Me Monday! This is the place where we do NOT let it all hang out! Visit MckMama to see what she has NOT been up to!

Last night, Ava did NOT scream, "EDEN POOPED IN THE TUB!"
Eden did NOT yell back, " Na-AH! THAT WAS AVA!"
I did NOT have to clean said poop out of the tub. All of my children are toilet trained, and none of them would be so disgusting as to poop in the bathtub. In the same water that they are sitting in. And sharing with their sister. No one did NOT confess to this heinous offense. My children always admit their faults and ask for forgiveness.

We are NOT in the midst of a very unorganized and disconcerting move. Our current landlord has NOT begun to move in on top of us, with their things piled to the ceiling in our dining room and guest room. My dining room furniture and piano are NOT currently in the middle of my kitchen. The guest room furniture is NOT in the living room. There are NOT boxes everywhere. I am NOT actually going insane. We were NOT told that our new house would not be available for two more weeks. Our landlord does NOT expect to move in this weekend. This is NOT a disaster.

I am NOT in a cooking slump. I have NOT eaten at every fast food restaurant in our general vicinity in the last week. I did NOT set out a pork tenderloin, fully intent on preparing a great meal tonight, only to get a sudden craving for Logan's, and decide to go out at the last minute. I am very disciplined, and always stick to my menu plan. Last minute dining out is NOT a regular part of our routine.

My car is in pristine condition. I am NOT embarrassed at all when teachers open the doors in the pick up line..... and trash falls out. There is NOT trash in my car, therefore it is NOT even possible for trash to fall out. I do NOT think to myself.....everytime I get in the car, "when I get home, we are cleaning this car OUT!" I do NOT put it off another day each and every time we get home. We did NOT have a friend in the car the other day. Lane did NOT tell this friend that if he got hungry, there was an old chicken nugget under the seat. My child would NEVER knowlingly leave a chicken nugget under the seat of the car.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Five Question Friday

THIS..... is Five Question Friday. A big thank you to our host, Mama M.

1. What is the one thing that you reach for the most in a day (excluding phones, computer or children's butts for spankings)?

Diet Coke. Must have Diet Coke. I cannot function without it. I have severe withdrawals without it.

2. What is the farthest you have been from home?

Hawaii. And I WISH that Hawaii was home. Or that the lack of stress I felt while I was there was also present at home.

3. What kind of cell phone do you have? Love it or hate it?

I have an LG Voyager. Touch screen, flips up for a full keyboard, TV capable, web capable.
I love the phone. Not loving the service.

4. Coke or Pepsi?

UHHH....COKE! Definitely, definitely coke. My husband gets annoyed with me because I refuse(or complain a lot about it!) to eat at a restaurant that serves Pepsi products.

Let's compare:

Pepsi is to coke

as

Raw sewage is to Evian.

Nuff said.

5. If you could go back and change anything about your wedding day, what would it be and why?

Any one thing??? OH SO MANY THINGS!!!!

Let me paint the picture of my day. The soloist's tape(yes, tape....) messed up and started screeching. The Best Man fell down the stairs. Our unity candle fell off the stand as we were trying to light it. My husband picked it up, lit it himself and stuck it back on the stand. The flower girl kept throwing her basket down the aisle and chasing after it. My flowers were not what I had ordered. The bridemaid dresses were ugly. Even I hated them. AND....my brother(who was 16) got into a fist fight in the parking lot at the reception.

We need a wedding day do-over.

Good thing our wedding day did not set the tone for our marriage. In the scheme of things, your wedding day is just one day. The days and weeks and months and years that follow are what really matter.


MckLinky Blog Hop

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Girl Crazy

My son told me last night that his friend has a girlfriend. And that he kisses her. And that he has kissed 4 other girls. And that he likes Eden. Oh my! These kids are 9!!(And if that pervy little kid brings his pervy little lips anywhere near my daughter.........)

And then Lane asks me how old he should be to have a girlfriend. As I pulled my heart out of my stomach and gently placed it back in my chest....I asked him if he knew of a girl that he liked. He said no......he was just wondering if he was supposed to have a girlfriend, since his friend had one.

We had a talk about how we don't have to do things just because other people are doing them. And then I asked him why people have girlfriends or boyfriends. He answered the way I hoped he would....to see if you want to marry that person. So I asked if he was ready to get married....

I am SO not ready for this phase. I know he is 9, and it is coming quickly......but I am SO not ready.

Some days I want to freeze time. Right where it stands. I want to stay in these moments with my kids forever, preserving their innocence, guarding their hearts and minds.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, back at the ranch(or.....BJ's softball game), Ava was busy cheering her daddy on. "Catch the ball, Daddy!" and "Hit the Ball, Daddy!" and "YAY DADDY!"

The batter popped up the ball. Another player (not Daddy) caught the ball. The following conversation/cheer then took place:

Ava: "GO DADDY!!!"

Eden: "That wasn't daddy."

Ava: "OOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooohhhhhh! DADDY STINKS! Cuz he TOOTED!" (Top of her lungs)

Lane: " Ava! You cannot say tooted here. There are Christians around us!"

Me: "Lane, aren't you a Christian?"

Lane: "Oh."

-------------------------------------------------

On the moving front, we have found a fabulous house. We have signed a lease. We are packing boxes. It is a nightmare. The end. (For now.)

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Say What?!?

While we were eating dinner at a nice restaurant tonight, my niece (age 2) proclaimed " I LIKE PORN!!". Very. Very. Loudly.

Intensive speech therapy lessons ensued.

C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-Corn!!!

Embarrassing, much? Yes.
________________________

This moving saga is about to make me stark raving mad.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

OH! THE DRAMA!

I know that you all have been missing my randomly absurd posts (well, okay....I don't know that you miss them, but I do know that I haven't posted them!), and there is a good reason for that.

We moved in May. It was a long distanced move. It was very un-fun. One never really realizes how much JUNK one has, until one attempts to move it ALL in one trip. Just your husband and you. With three kids underfoot. Lemme say it again....VERY UN-FUN. (I think I may still have a few bruises.)

I think that as time goes by, you forget how bad moving actually is. How time consuming, unorganized, terrible, breakable, miserable, exhausting, etc moving can be. And as the time passes, and you forget how awful it was, you get the idea that you should do it again. (Kind of like child birth.....)

Not enough time has passed!!! Seriously!!

My landlord called me early this week, and let me know that she had lost her job and wants to move back into this house. She aked if we could be out in 30 days.

Frantic house searching has ensued. There is not a lot out there. And I am still frantic. And anxious. And, if I am being honest....REALLY IRRITATED at this point.

Yes, we have a lease....and it says that we live here until mid April. No, we have not violated the contract on our end. But, this is a small family community, and community tensions would run high if we did not move along.

There are no homes available in this school zone, so my poor kids will have to change schools. Again.

But, I think I have found the perfect home. We just can't meet with the owner until Thursday.

So, right now I am majorly stressing about finding a house. After I have that nailed down, then I will stress about the actual moving of the massive mounds of stuff.

And I just unpacked the last box about 2 weeks ago.

*Sigh*


Sunday, September 20, 2009

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!!!!

Didn't you enjoy the suspense?!

I guess you have waited long enough!

And the Winner IS:

Result: 11 Powered by RANDOM.ORG

And Number 11 IS:

Keely!!!!

Well deserved, girlie! Hit me up with the color and size of your preference, and I will get that out to you this week!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Some Diem to Carpe

So....we saw "Cloudy....with a Chance of Meatballs" today. Such a cute movie. I laughed several times. But my favorite line was "We got some diem to carpe!". I thought it was hilarious. The kids didn't get it. B-L-A-N-K S-T-A-R-E-S.

So...you guys have some diem to carpe. It's your last chance to enter the Great Pumpkin T-shirt Giveaway!!

Friday, September 18, 2009

Five Question Friday


It's Friday! And I. Am. Excited.

Why, you ask? Well, mainly because I won't have to wake up at 6:30 a.m. tomorrow.

But also because it is time for some Five Question Friday fun, brought to you by the Fantabulous Mama M.



September 18th Questions: (Thanks to Keely, Meghan, and Amanda for their help!)

1. What's your favorite line from a movie?

Well, I would have to say that it is a tie. Both lines are from the same movie.

" I carried a watermelon."
and
" Nobody puts Baby in the corner!"
Dirty Dancing was my favorite movie ever. And, I can probably quote the movie. (But I won't.)
I think Patrick Swayze was my first love.(Of course, Peyton Manning is a close 2nd!)



2. What "group" did you belong to in high school? Goths, jocks, preps, drama, nerds?

Tough question! I tried to be friendly to everyone. I was in the "smart classes", so I was mostly a nerd. I wouldn't call myself a prep...those were the snotty girls...

I was in chorus and drama...but I was definitely not a goth, but I had many friends who were.....

But mostly, I just mingled with everyone.


3. If you had $1000 just for yourself what would you spend it on?

(We are really focusing on our Dave Ramsey plan, so right now, I would pay off debt with it...but for this exercise, let's pretend we are debt free....I WISH!!)

I am really wanting to get a bar top table that seats 8 for my breakfast area.


4. What was your favorite childhood cartoon?

Too many to name!

Looney Tunes, Pinky and the Brain, and Animaniacs

5. What kind of sleeper are you? Back? Tummy? Side? Sprawler?

I sleep in a morphed position...somewhere between stomach and side. Always facing the edge of the bed. Always on the right side of the bed. And I have the best pillow ever made. Contoured. Memory foam.

Ummmmmm....I will see you bloggy peeps later....my pillow is calling my name!!!

There you have it! Join in the fun!!





MckLinky Blog Hop

Sheer Disbelief!

In case you missed it, Keely accepted my dare.

She re-wrote the lyrics to a song, video-ed herself singing it, and then actually posted it to her blog. Make sure you check it out.

Make sure you sign up for a chance to win the Pumpkin T-Shirt giveaway here.

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Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Allergic to Mornings

I have decided that I must be allergic to mornings. Especially mornings that begin at 6:30 a.m.

It absolutely does not matter what time we go to bed. My body seriously dislikes 6:30 a.m.

My mood is further soured by kids that refuse to get up and get dressed peaceably.

I have written a letter to the school board requesting that school begin at 10:00 a.m. This time frame would work better for my family. I am sure they will get right on that.

Maybe we should all write letters. Do you think that would work?? Petition?? Protest??

Something's gotta give!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

It's the Great Pumpkin Giveaway!!!

Update: Comments are now closed. (Unofficially.....because I am not computer literate enough to actually close them.)

Winner will be posted tomorrow afternoon. Good luck!



I LOVE Halloween! I love the costumes, the candy,the adorable kids in their costumes, the candy, the parties, the decorations, and did I mention THE CANDY!!!


In the spirit of my love of Halloween, I will be giving away this:





An Adorable Pumpkin Applique T-Shirt (Adorable Child is not included. Sorry!)!!!




Need a closer look??







SOOOOOO.......wanna win??


(The shirt will be available in all sizes, and in black, white, and purple....with or without the bow.)

Here's how to gain a few entries:

1. Leave me a comment telling me who your adorable kiddos will be dressing up as for Halloween this year.

2. Blog about this giveaway, link back to my blog, then comment and let me know about it.

3. Re-write the lyrics to any pop song, and post either in the comments section, or in your blog, with a link back to here. Be creative. Make it all Halloween-y. Humor counts double. (For 10 bonus entries, VLOG yourself singing your new song....it's a dare, Keely!)

4. Tell me what your favorite candy is, and how you manage to get your kids to share their stash.


I am out of creative entry ideas....so, there you go. At least 4 ways to enter. Entries will be accepted until Midnight on Saturday, Sept. 19. When the clock strikes Midnight, all entries may turn into a pumpkin. (Or not.)


I am keeping my fingers crossed that someone posts a video of their song. It could be the next sensation!!


And meanwhile, I will be brainstorming for new ways to get my kids to share some of their candy.










Sunday, September 13, 2009

Manning Mania

There has been a long standing inside joke between my husband and I. Some of our close friends are in on it as well, and tonight, I have decided to let my bloggy friends in on it too. Aren't you lucky???!!

A while back, BJ and I were watching SNL, and Peyton Manning was the host. One word.....HI-LAR-I-OUS. He was hysterical. Have you seen the sketch where he is in the locker room at half time, the team is losing,and he starts dancing? SOOOOOOOO funny. (Either that, or it was past midnight, and I was so tired that I was delirious, and thus everything was funny.)

I then headed off to dream land. (Can you see where this is headed?) I dreamt that I went on a date with Peyton. Completely innocent. We had dinner at a five star restaurant....it was a black tie affair. And where else would the second half of a black tie date take place??????

A softball field of course! I was in the outfield....I think Peyton was the pitcher. Yes, yes....in our formal wear.

Weird, I know.

And, so the next morning, I woke up, and in my still-sleepy-delirium, told my husband about my dream. He is still laughing. Two. Years. Later.

So, today, during the Colts game, BJ was teasing me about my boyfriend. I was wearing an old white T-Shirt. I picked up a marker, and drew a BIG 18 on my chest.

Whose laughing now??????

----------------------------------------------------------------

Tonight, I started a Bible study titled 5 Conversations You Must Have With Your Daughter.

I am really excited about this study. It is basically about debunking all of the lies that our culture is throwing at our girls regarding body image, sexuality, and the like.

This week is about redifining beauty. About how our culture has placed a higher priority on vanity than it has on virtue.

How much value do we place on our appearance? What are we teaching our daughters about inner beauty? Are our lives reflecting to our daughters that our looks are more important than our hearts?

I can't wait to delve more into this. My goal is to raise virtuous girls. How quickly even young girls become materialistic and superficial! The lesson tonight was eye-opening, and I can only imagine what the rest of this series is going to be like.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Just Weirdness

Weirdness.

Weirdness is within our gene pool. (Obviously from my husband's side of the family. Obviously!)

Last night, while seated at the dinner table, my shirtless son was sporting some strange looking marks on his arms. (Arms....as in plural. Both arms.)

Right away, I recognized what these marks were.

But, I asked anyway.

"Lane, what are those marks on your arm?"

My husband says, "Those look like......"

I shooshed him, quickly. I wanted Lane to answer.

Lane says that his arm was itching, and that his fingernails were too short, so he used his teeth to scratch his arm.

I told him that I wasn't buying it.

He maintained his story. We had a nice chat about lying. (Biggest NO-NO in my book. Do NOT lie to me. You will be in SO much more trouble for lying!!!!)

So, he finally admits that he was sucking on his arm. Why? I ask.

Still, because it was itching, he says.

So, I asked if it helped to make the itch stop.

He says "No."

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! I didn't think so!

So then, WHY ON EARTH DID YOU SUCK ON YOUR OTHER ARM??!!!???!?!?!?!?!?!?!

We never really did get to the bottom of it. And Lane has a hickey on each bicep.

Total weirdness.


Saturday, September 5, 2009

Attn:Toilet Abuser....You Strike Again

Dearest Ava,

I have given you some time to meet compliance standards. You have, as of yet, refused to follow regulations; therefore, I feel we must revisit some of the Toilet Guidelines.

It is never acceptable to make a trip to a public restroom......just to see what it looks like. It looks like a restroom. And it is filled with germs. The public restroom is for emergencies ONLY.

(Emergency = Your internal organs are going to explode, or it is coming out....like it or not.

Emergency does NOT = I just went to the bathroom at home 5 minutes before we got to the restaurant to have a nice meal, but I would like to see the bathroom, try the toilet out, but not actually go, forcing my mother to breathe in the noxious public restroom fumes that render her meal untouchable due to nausea.)

Please do NOT announce to the entire restaurant that you need to poop. No one needs to know. No one wants to know.

And WHY can't you HOLD IT TIL WE GET HOME!!!??????!!!!

Signed,

Nauseous in the Ladies' Room (A.K.A.- Your Mom)

Friday, September 4, 2009

Where are YOUR PARENTS??!!??!!!

I had one of those moments today. You know, the kind where your child publicly humiliates you SO BADLY that you would like to step away from them, look around unassumingly, and then say (loudly, so that all around you can hear), "WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS?!?"

We were in the book store, looking at some books (duh!), when a lady from our new church walked up. (How long I have known this lady = about a month.... I will never be able to erase what happened next from her memory. This preempts ALL first impressions.) She says "Hey!"
She looked over at Ava and said....."How are you doing, little lady?!"

Any normal kid would either:

A. Mumble "Fine.'

B. Chatter excitedly about being in the bookstore.

C. Hide behind their mother.



Not my child.

My child promptly dropped trou'.

Oh yes, in the middle of the book store, in front of a mere acquaintance, Ava pulled her pants and panties down.....Full MOON!

I was so frantic to pull her pants back up, that they got stuck. It felt like 10 whole minutes standing there trying to pull up my daughter's pants.

Embarrassing. Humiliating. Mortifying. Hilarious.

She will NEVER live this down.

TGIF!: Five Question Friday Frenzy!!


Here we go, friends! Our Five Question Friday (with a Thursday night posting, to facilitate a fellow mama, who's sweet little Belli is having surgery Friday)!!
So...the rules?
Copy and paste the questions to your blog, answer them, grab the MckLinky Blog Hop code, link up and voila (I soooo wish I could put that cute little accent above the 'o'...or would it be the 'i'?)!! You're hoppin' along with us!A special thanks to Sandy, Megan Silva and Keely for this week's questions!!
September 4th Questions:
1. The clothing outfit you remember from childhood and why?
I had a white top and stirrup pants that were black with white polka dots . They were my favorite!(Ya know....in the fourth grade. I wouldn't be caught dead in them now.) Until my grandmother washed them with a red shirt....and the white polka dots had a pinkish tint. I was really upset. My grandmother's suggestion: Get a pink shirt to wear with them. PSSSHH! They didn't look like they were supposed to be pink. They looked like someone hadn't laundered them correctly. Even at age 9, I was aware of that! (Laundry aficionado in the making!!!!) And I was NOT going to just wear them with a pink shirt.
2. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?
As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a pianist. I told my parents when I was 5 that I was going to be the church pianist. As I grew up, that never really changed. I went to school as a music major.....I never finished my degree, but I did become a church pianist....for 8 years.
3. What is your must have for Fall?
Hmmmm......well, our weather doesn't really change for fall here. And I am a year round flip flop kind of girl. But...I am a jacket, sweater, coat fanatic. Must have several, as I wear them indoors almost everywhere we go, and can't repeat too often. Just got a really cute grey jacket with double buttons and bell sleeves. Love it!
4. If money were no object, how many kiddos would you really have?
When I was younger, I always wanted to have 7 children (like the Von Trapp family....Sound of Music??) I would definitely have a few more. I think the questions should really read, "If time were no object......." I want to make sure that I am able to spend one on one quality time with each of my kids. And the more there are, the harder it is to do. I think I would just like to freeze time......right where it stands, and keep my kids the ages they are forever.
I do feel led to adopt. And probably will, when the time is right.
5. The best part of your birthing story (other than the beautiful child at the end).
"I'll tell you what the worst part was!" (My friend's little boy says this.....every DAY when she asks him what the best part about school was. I think it's hilarious. A pessimist at 5!)
Keep in mind that no drugs were used in the birthing of any of these babies (making these offenses atrocious!)!!!
Birth Number 1:
I had a really mean nurse. Really mean. I was 19, scared, and had no idea what to expect. She waited until my baby had crowned before she called a doctor. It then took the doctor an hour to get there, (with her screaming at me "DON'T PUSH!!!"...... the whole time) and it was not my doctor. So.....strange doctor walks in. Says NOTHING. To anyone. And proceeds to give me an episiotomy. Still.....saying nothing. Not to me. Not to my husband. Not to the crabby old nurse.
The baby was 5 pounds 14 ounces. Not a big baby. Not a big head. Still don't know WHY he felt I needed an episiotomy, as I didn't with the other two, and amazingly NO RIPS.
Just rudeness. Nurse was rude......doctor was rude. And even when I am up in stirrups....panting and pushing.....some prerequisite etiquette should still apply.
Birth Number 2:
Immediately following the natural birth of our beautiful daughter, as she lay on my belly in all of her slimy glory.....and as the placenta has not yet made it's appearance........(so, like within 30 seconds).....................my husband says to me......"Well, that wasn't so bad, was it?!!"
Nuff said.
Birth Number 3:
As the baby was making its descent, crowning, and then coming out, a WAY TOO PEPPY nurse sang "Happy Birthday". The. WHOLE. TIME. For about 20 minutes. It was torturous. And I wanted to do bodily harm to her.
I appreciate the gesture, but, I just wish she had waited until after the birth to serenade us.






MckLinky Blog Hop

Thursday, September 3, 2009

FabulouSplash-ity!

Oh, the FABULOUS-NESS! The awesome-ness! The Excitementationalness!! The Splashilocity!



(I am completely aware that I am making up words. I am allowed to do that now! Because IItalicam an AWARD WINNING BLOGGER! Seriously!)



Both Mama M at My Little Life and Keely over at Mannland5 have bestowed the greatest honor on me today: The Splash Award!!







The Splash Award is given to alluring, amusing, bewitching, impressive, and inspiring blogs.

When you receive this award you must: Put the logo on your blog/post. Nominate up to 9 blogs which allure, amuse, bewitch, impress or inspire you. Let them know that they have been splashed by commenting on their blog. Remember to link to the person from whom you received your Splash Award.

The nominees for "The Splash Award" are: (channeling my inner Ryan Seacrest!)

A Day in the Life of a Girl Named Kimber

Mama4Real

Crazy Days......Sleepless Nights

The Life and Times of Mommy

Motherhood.....Unscripted

Be a Hip Chick



I would totally nominate Mama M. and Keely again....but they have already won....SO.......

Thanks again, girls!

Make sure you guys enter to win Mama M's Adorably Fabulous Tutu Giveaway! (Or....don't.....Cuz I really want to win!....Just kidding! Go check it out!


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P.S.- I have been SUCH a bad blogger this week. My mom is in town, and I have neglected all responsibilities for the week. No laundry or bathroom cleaning for me, ya'll! This week has been full of shopping and pedicures and fun! (Don't be jealous! I will pay for it next week with some nasty bathrooms and a Mountain O' Laundry.......*shudder*)


Oh........ and "Seacrest OUT!"

Monday, August 31, 2009

the Journey

I recently stumbled onto a blog that humbled me. Broke me. I gained a heart for something that I thought I was pretty hardened to. When I say hardened, I guess I really mean desensitized. You know....there's starving kids in Africa. You start to hear it so many times that it becomes trite....loses its effect.

Visit Katie's blog to be blessed in ways unimaginable. I really have no words that aptly describe this young woman and her ministry. Nothing short of amazing. So, I will just ask that you visit her blog. Follow her blog. And if you feel led, support her ministry.

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And, on a much lighter note.....

As we were finishing up dinner tonight, my mom says....

"Somebody needs to hit the bong!!!"

(There is a Asian looking GONG on the piano in the dining room. Yes, I knew what she meant to say. But, BJ and I laughed hysterically at her anyway. It took her a few minutes to catch up.)

Friday, August 28, 2009

Five Question Friday

It's Friday! YAYA! That could only mean one thing.....it's time for FIVE QUESTION FRIDAY!!!

I know you are excited! Brought to you courtesy of Mama M, Five Question Friday is easy-peasy and super fun! So link up down below, and copy the questions to participate.

1. What is your favorite Holiday and why? (Thanks, Keely! Yup, same Keely as above!!)

2. Who has been the most influential person in your life?

3. If you could give up one household chore forever, what would it be?

4. What is the BEST practical joke you have ever been a part of, on the giving OR receiving end? (Thanks to Meghan, for that one!!)

5. Where (or how) did you meet your spouse?




1. What is your favorite Holiday and why? (Thanks, Keely! Yup, same Keely as above!!)

I love all Holidays! I love dressing my little babies up for Halloween, the tastes and smells of Thanksgiving, and everything about Christmas.

But if I had to pick a favorite, I would have to say that it is Easter. I actually don't care for the Easter Bunny. Dying eggs are about as high up on my list as cleaning out the attic in July. Don't even get me started on filling the plastic eggs. I have nightmares about my kids eating boiled eggs that have sat in the sun for 3 hours waiting to be found.

Easter is representative of the resurrection of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. We are all imperfect, and in need of His gift of Salvation. Easter is a day to reflect on the sacrifice that Jesus made. He suffered and bled and died. He was beaten until he was no longer recognizable as a man, all while being mocked by a crowd. He was buried, and spent 3 days in hell. For me. I think that people sometimes skip over that last part......but that is the most important part. Hell is the punishment for sin. It is the most horrific place in existence. And Jesus went there. For me. And for you. He had no sin.....yet, He took on the sins of everyone, and accepted the punishment for those sins, so that we would not have to. He defeated death, and He conquered hell and all within it, then on Easter Sunday, He arose!

But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed. Isaiah 53:5



2. Who has been the most influential person in your life?

My Mom. She is my best friend, and my confidante. She is the most sacrificial, unselfish person I have ever known. (Ya know, apart from Jesus.) She is the kind of mother that I could only hope to be.


3. If you could give up one household chore forever, what would it be?


LAUNDRY! The sorting, the washing, forgetting to switch and rewashing, drying, folding, hanging, sock sorting, putting away. Laundry for a family of 5 could be a full time job. I seriously don't know how larger families get it done.

And....why on EARTH can't they come up with a machine that washes and dries!!??!!! Seriously. Let's all write a letter to Maytag requesting this new technology be developed. Really. Why hasn't anyone in the appliance business had this epiphany yet??


4. What is the BEST practical joke you have ever been a part of, on the giving OR receiving end? (Thanks to Meghan, for that one!!)


I LOVE a good practical joke! There is nothing quite as grand as pulling of a big stinker on someone. Do you know that in some areas, you can be prosecuted for toilet papering some one's yard????!!! Some people have absolutely no sense of humor! When I was a teenager, that was just good clean fun! If you didn't know whose house was being t.p.'d on Friday night........you had better be on guard because it was probably your house!

Anyway....when I was 14, we moved about 700 miles away from home. The next summer, my best friend Sarah came and stayed for about 3 weeks. Little pranks were pulled here and there. Then my cousin Erin came for the weekend toward the end. They both fell asleep early on Saturday night.....so I gathered ALL of their underwear and bras from their suitcases, placed them in a large garbage bag, filled it up with water............and put it in the deep freezer.

The next morning, when Sarah and Erin woke up (I was still sleeping, because I had stayed up late carrying out my devious prank!), they discovered what I had done, and proceeded to dump all of my dresser drawers into the pool.

So.....Sunday morning. Church. None of us had any clothes to wear. Theirs were frozen; mine at the bottom of the pool. My Parents = Not Happy.

I still remember my mom sitting there with a hair dryer trying to thaw out a 13 gallon panty popsicle.

My parents laugh hysterically about this story today.


5. Where (or how) did you meet your spouse?

While I was away at college, my parents became members of a new church. When I came home for the summer, they insisted that we go to church as a family. (I wanted to go to our old church, and was very reluctant to go to this new church.) So, off we go to Sunday School....me, with a scowl on my face. And I am put in the college and career class. With a bunch of morons. I was the only girl. And there were 4 guys. Idiots. Pulling chairs out from under each other. Telling corny jokes. It was excruciating. So, on the way home from church that day....I told my parents that I would go to church with them, but that I was NOT going back to Sunday School with those stupid rednecks.

My husband was one of those stupid rednecks. The other 3 were our groomsmen.


MckLinky Blog Hop

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Ava the Fashionista....

As of late, Ava has been exhaustingly demanding in the style and accessory department.

Unfortunately, her imagination outweighs her communication skills.

Example: "I wanna be like Belle!"

Or: "I wanna be like Ariel!"

Also: "I wanna be like Eden!"

And so on, and so on.

The problem is......she seeminly knows in her little mind what exactly that entails. And typically it means that she doesn't want to wear that and I haven't fixed her hair to her satisfaction.

But, she can't tell me why she doesn't like it, or how she wants me to fix it. She tries.....I just don't get it.

She says things like "I want it in the back." I took this to mean she wanted a ponytail.
I was wrong.

Or she will say, "I want it like this!"........while demonstrating some wild and crazy hand motions. I have NO CLUE!

Ava is frustrated. I am frustrated.

Minor temper fits have taken place.

Her new fave response is...."I will wear that tomorrow." (It actually sounds more like "too-mah-woh-oh-oh"....) And it doesn't matter how many outfits you present to her in a row.....she will wear them all ..."too-mah-woh-oh-oh"!

As I felt myself getting stressed about this today, I thought back to a time not so long ago. A time when a different toddler that DEFINED the terrible two's was the terror of my household.

That toddler was Eden. Not only was she MORE demanding in her Fashionista ways......if she disliked what Mama dressed her in, she had the "perfect" solution.

Eden would just pee in the offending outfit. And I would change her into a new outfit. And she was happy.

Manipulated by a two year old.

Sad, sad, sad.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Sleeping Boo-ty

Is it any coincidence that Ava keeps referencing her "Sleeping Boo-ty Princess panties"?

I mean, she does sleep in them.

They go on her boo-ty.

And, she is a Princess.

I rest my case!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

It's Fun to Stay at the Y.M.C.A.......

So.....I worked out this morning. At..........the Y.M.C.A. On the way home, I was thinking about blogging about the Y.M.C.A, and how it was most certainly not fun to stay there....it is BRUTAL. So, as I am thinking about this, I started trying to remember the actual words to the song. Apart from the chorus...and the beginning phrase of "Young man....", I have to say I came up short.

So......I had to ask my husband what the words were........and what the song was about. So, he told me. And I have to say that I was a little surprised. Then he told me to look it up on Wikipedia if I didn't believe him. So.......................................................

"Y.M.C.A." is a 1978 song by the Village People which became a hit in January 1979. The song reached #2 on the U.S. charts in early 1979 and reached No.1 in the UK around the same time, becoming the group's biggest hit ever. Taking the song at face value, its lyrics extol the virtues of the Young Men's Christian Association. In the gay culture from which the group sprang, the song was implicitly understood as celebrating the YMCA's reputation as a popular cruising and hookup spot, particularly for the younger gay men to whom it was addressed.[1]
The song has continued to remain popular due to its status as a disco classic and gay anthem, even among listeners who are otherwise uninvolved in disco or gay culture.


I have to say that I was surprised. I guess I had never really thought about it. Really??!! Why am I just now hearing about this??!! And....why then, other than the catchy arm motions, is this such a popular song?

But, back to the original purpose of my post.....It is NOT fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A. It is NOT fun to go to the Y.M.C.A. I force myself to go, thinking that one day......maybe.....it will get better. And my abilities have improved.....but I still hate it.

My husband is gym obsessed. He is one of those people that gets up 2 hours earlier than he really has to....just to go to the gym. He runs....and lift weights....and wants to have long conversations about running and lifting weights.....I try to pretend to be interested...because he is important to me, and I should take interest in what is important to him. But, really.......the 5 a.m. wake ups....a little annoying.

So...today, we went to the gym together. (Not at 5 a.m........I haven't seen 5 a.m. since I had babies that got up at that time to be fed...and even then, I saw it through sleepy slits of eyes that were begging to go back to sleep.....not perky eyes that were focused on the treadmill.) After we tortured ourselves at the gym for an hour, we decided to stop for lunch.

At Wendy's.

I asked him...."Doesn't this defeat the purpose?"

He says....." Nope! That's why we workout! So we can eat junk."

Thanks for clearing that up. My guilt was assuaged.

Yes. I did order a Frosty.

And YES! I did dip my fries in it.

Monday, August 24, 2009

YYYYYYYYYYYummy! Or.....NOT....

Pickled Quail Eggs....since Kimber asked so nicely!

Try not to gag....

Not My Child Monday: Principal's Office, Styrofoam Shreds, and Pickled Quail Eggs

It was NOT my oldest child that found himself in the Principal's office today. He was NOT so disruptive outside in the pickup line that he was sent in to the Principal. The Principal did NOT have to escort him to my vehicle so that she could inform me of the situation. He is NOT in big, big trouble. (I actually did NOT say, "Just you wait until your Father gets home!"....which is NOT something I swore I would never say.)
It was NOT my middle child who shoved her 3 year old sister down to the ground for "saying something mean"; that "something mean" has NOT remained a mystery. We all know how vicious 3 year old's speech can be! It was NOT this same middle child that threw an absolute temper fit when asked to go to a time out period for shoving her sister. She did NOT scream "NO!" at me repeatedly all the way down the stairs. This has NOT been an ongoing issue since birth.....or whenever she learned the word "NO!".
My youngest child did NOT make off with a sheet of styrofoam (from the box of a desk that I was upstairs attempting to put together. Does anyone else feel that ready-to-assemble furniture should have the assembly directions/diagram on the outside of the box, so that you can see what you are getting yourself into....before you are actually into it? At the very least...a difficulty level. Come ON!), take it downstairs...where I thought she was looking at her book and playing with her princess figurines.....and rip it into 5 bazillion little pieces. Did you know that it is literally impossible to vacuum and/or sweep styrofoam particles?
Lane is NOT constantly beggin me to eat the pickled quail eggs that my in laws brought as a gift for their visit. It is NOT sitting unopened on the counter. It will NOT probably hit the trash unopened. I do NOT gag at the mere sight of the jar. It does NOT remind me of a jar full of eyeballs. He did NOT point out to my in-laws that the house next door to ours was for sale...and I did NOT have a mild heart attack.
Ava did NOT recently engage in a number of public bathroom infractions....and she most certainly did NOT walk into the stall and wipe an unknown liquid substance from the seat with her fingers. I do NOT have a major loathing of public bathrooms, and I do NOT avoid them at all costs.
Ava did NOT get another sheet of styrofoam out of the trash and obliterate it....for the second time TODAY.....while I sat here writing this post. I am always observant, and know what each of my kids is doing at ALL times. I have eyes ALL OVER my head!
Visit MckMama to see what other angelic children have NOT been doing. I have to go clean up the styrofoam mess that my daughter did NOT just make. Again.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Lane-isms and other Randomness...

Today at lunch, BJ expressed his desire to watch some football...to which Lane replies, "I think the Kentuckians are playing today."

Hmmmmmmm. OK?? I think my husband needs to invest some time in the football education of our only son.

And a few seconds later, "Can we go as the Peanut Patrol for Halloween this year?"

Say, WHA???? What is with my kids and the random Peanut Characters?? (See: Peanut Pete??!?) We don't grow peanuts for a living. We don't eat peanuts regularly. I have never even bought boiled peanuts off the side of the road!!! What's the peanut fascination about??

That said, we ate lunch out today, and I did NOT have to take anyone to the restroom. (Perhaps my latest Toilet Abuser memo did the trick?! We shall see!)

V for Victory!!

It's the little things in life!!

I survived the In-Laws, and there was little-to-no fallout. In fact, compared with the "Mamaw" visit, it was downright pleasant. Even if we did go to the Bass Pro shop, an antique store, the flea market, and a liquidation outlet......and even if they did buy a HUGE pallet of stuff in a box without knowing the contents. (Picture: Wal-mart pallets in the middle of the aisle....YEAH! One of those. And even if they did allow my kids to unload said BOX in my driveway. We got a couple of air mattresses, snorkel gear (because....you NEVER know when we are going to go snorkeling!), some flashlights, and more goggles than my kids cold lose in a lifetime out of the deal.

They even brought us a gift!

Pickled Quail Eggs.

Nope. Not kidding.

Friday, August 21, 2009

ATTN: Toilet Abuser...Public Bathroom No-No's

Dear Toilet Abuser,

Being that we had to have a discussion just yesterday, I am a little disappointed that we are having to address toilet etiquette again today. Seeing as how the offense is not the same, I will let you get by with a warning. A stern warning.

When in a public place, please avoid the public restrooms unless it is an extreme emergency. You should already be aware that I detest public bathrooms. (Reference-Things I Hate: Public Restroom Edition ).

In the event of an emergency, the following rules apply.

Never touch anything in the public restroom.

Never say " I don't touch anything, Mama!", and then proceed to wipe drops of an unknown liquid substance...... (Oh Dear God in Heaven....PLEASE....PLEASE ......let that have been water overspray from the auto flush toilet!)....... off of the toilet seat. With your fingers. *shudder*

It is totally unacceptable to announce to the entire bathroom that your mother is going #2.

While I understand that you are accustomed to my assistance with wiping for yourself, I am not in need of the same assistance. Please do not grab a wad of toilet paper and attempt to wipe my rear.

Do NOT open the door to the stall until my pants are up zipped and buttoned. I will let you know when I am ready.

All other rules and regulations mentioned in other Toilet Abuser Memos still apply.

Signed,

Really Annoyed with Bad Bathroom Habits (A.K.A- your Mom)

Five Question Friday Fun!!!

Brought to us by the one and only Mama M, Five Question Friday is, well, exactly that! Five random questions on Friday. Wanna try? Copy and paste the following questions to your blog, and answer them. Then copy and paste the MckLinky code. Piece of cake? (OOOOOOOooooooooo....I should bake a cake!)

1. What is your biggest Pet Peeve? (Thanks, Meghan!)

2. With no worries about finances, childcare, or travel time...where would you most want to vacation?

3. If your house was in the path of a tornado and you had time to grab 3 things before the house was totally destroyed (children, husband, pets are already out) what 3 items would you grab? (Thanks, A.!)

4. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? (Thanks, Keely!)

5. What is your family's favorite homecooked meal?

And....for the answers!!



1.What is your biggest pet peeve?


OH! There are SO many of these. Mama always told me I was TOO easily annoyed. I could really go on a rant with this, but I think I am going to say that most of my Pet Peeves are derived from people's inconsiderate-ness (YEAH...I know I made up a word. So what?) And the one that has got me going today is when people allow their children to behave heinously in public places. Whether it be that they are running around the grocery store.....darting out in front of my very full shopping cart, or running around in a restaurant (and I am NOT talking fast food, here, people. I am talking sit down, have a server, eating a nice meal restaurant!), or pushing on a playground. I am a mother of young children, and if my children behave badly, they are in trouble. And they know it. I will not say that mine have never behaved this way, but I will say that they know it better not happen again. I didn't smile at the person they offended and say, "Kids will be kids". I want to say back, " Well, those kids are going to be some HORRID adults if someone doesn't teach them some manners!"



2. With no worries about finances, childcare, or travel time...where would you most want to vacation?

I would LOVE to visit Australia. But, I would want to go for a long enough period of time that we could get over the jet lag and enjoy all that there is to see. SO......a month?? Sounds good to me! I only wish we could see Steve Irwin... =(


3. If your house was in the path of a tornado and you had time to grab 3 things before the house was totally destroyed (children, husband, pets are already out) what 3 items would you grab?

Assuming that I would also be able to escape safely, my computer (with all my pics), my scrapbooks, and the kids wall portraits. These things are irreplaceable.


4. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?


I had the good pleasure of being able to visit some friends for 3 whole weeks in Hawaii. We spent some time on the Big Island, and it was the most beautiful, relaxing place I have ever been. It is largely undeveloped....or should I say that it isn't overdeveloped....but there are still the modern conveniences and shopping districts that I wouldn't want to live without. The volcanoes, beaches, and waterfalls are breathtaking. While there, we hiked 10 miles into the crater of an inactive part of Mt Kilauea, and it ranks as one of the top 5 experiences of my life.

Soooooo....Big Island(probably near Kona), Hawaii. Final Answer.


5. What is your family's favorite homecooked meal?

This is tough because each person has their own favorite. But, I am going to go with my Cheesy Spaghetti recipe. This seems to be requested a lot lately.


MckLinky Blog Hop

MckLinky Blog Hop

Thursday, August 20, 2009

ATTN: Toilet Abuser

Dear Toilet Abuser,

Toothpaste belongs in a tube. Or on your toothbrush in pea sized amounts.

It does not belong on the counter,

In the sink, or on the floor.

It should not be smeared on the walls.

And, it should NEVER, EVER be spread on the toilet seat.

(I hope those aren't brush marks that I am seeing. I guess we are going toothbrush shopping!)

Signed,

Your Mom (A.K.A.- Really Tired of Cleaning Bathrooms)

The In-laws Are Coming! THE IN-LAWS ARE COMING!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

They will be here tomorrow.

Pray for me.

My Mother-in-Law lacks tact. And sensitivity. And mind-your-own-business-ity. And foot-in-mouth syndrome. And my opinions are the only opinions-ology.

But, she is funny. Sometimes.

And they will only be here until Sunday.

After my grandmother's visit (*shudder*), I can do anything!

And I should have LOTS to blog about after they leave!!!



On a different note....

We were at Target on Monday, and this little, old lady and her walker stopped to speak to Ava. (This little old lady was teenie tiny, looked to be in her 80's, and was wearing Nascar sweatpants. I found that to be a little odd....anyone else think that is odd??)
So, the old lady says, "Hey there. How are you?"

Ava looks at her....does a total scan of the little, old lady. And right at the point when I thought Ava was going to try to hide, she looked right at that lady, and said, (LOUD AND PROUD!!) "I just tooted!"

Mortified! I was mortified. And now, every time I remember that my in-laws are coming...... and the panic attack threatens to take over my very well-being......I take deep, calming breaths.....and think back to my precious, beautiful, sweet, lady-like daughter, announcing to the little old lady in Nascar sweatpants and ALL of Target that she had just "tooted". It makes me laugh.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Happy Birthday Eden!

My beautiful girl! I will never forget the day I found out I was having a little girl! I was SO excited! I immediately started thinking about dresses and hairbows.... and pink....and purple.....and yellow....and all other things girlie!

And now you are 8!

You are a brilliant little girl. You blow my mind daily with your insight and sensitivity. Your compassion is SO beyond your years. You are very determined, and persistent. Your creativity continually amazes me. Your sense of humor is....well, HILARIOUS! You are very quick witted!You are cautious, careful. You weigh situations deeply before deciding to act.

You love your fashion. You are a natural born shopper, but always amaze me with your ability to window browse. You never beg. You always point out the things that other family members might like as well. You are SO considerate!

I love you very much, and I am SO proud to be your mom.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Two Weeks and Four Days...

is how long Lane's cast has been off. Two weeks and four days. And after having it on for 8 weeks and 1 day (which was the ENTIRE summer, minus about 10 days, two weeks and four days does not seem like a long time to have been free of that nasty, stinky, smelly, itchy, sweaty, inhibiting cast. Certainly not long enough to have forgotten the six thousand dollar lesson learned. Right???!!!

Wrong.

So......Imagine my surprise when I walked outside today to see what Daddy and the kids were up to. And, I found them involved in the EXACT same activity that resulted in the broken arm in the first place. AYE!

BOYS!

Friday, August 14, 2009

Five Question Friday Blog Hop

Mama M is hosting a fabulous new Blog Hop on Fridays...Five Question Friday. Five randomly, kooky questions about yourself to be answered and linked to her MckLinky each and every Friday! Sounds like fun, right?

Soooo...if you want in on all the fun, copy and paste the following questions, and use the MckLinky on Mama M's blog!!!


1. What is the most embarrassing thing your Mother-in-law has ever said to you? (Thanks Meghan, for the fun question!)

2. What would you say is your favourite thing about YOU? (I just had to spell favorite with a "u"...I like to pretend I'm British or Australian sometimes...now, excuse me while I use the loo...hopefully there is not a que!)

3. Speaking of "loos", toilet paper roll...under or over?

4. What is your most memorable childhood family vacation?

5. If you could choose one super power, what would it be?



1. What is the most embarrassing thing your Mother-in-law has ever said to you? (Thanks Meghan, for the fun question!)

There is a reason I nominated this question. I could seriously write a novel on this subject. My Mother-in-law is one of those people that lacks sensitivity. She doesn't get her feelings hurt about anything, and she doesn't think you should either. I sometimes wonder if she even knows what feelings are! (And she is also missing that part of the brain that tells you when it is time to SHUT UP!)

Soooooo......my Mother-in-Law has never made it a secret how she feels about how many kids that you (or me....or well....anybody.....because, well, we all know that everyone should share her viewpoints) should "crank out"....as she likes to call it. It's two. Two is the magic number. Especially, if the two you have are a boy and girl. Because, and I quote..."There ain't no more choices." (If I heard this once from her, I heard it 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 times!)

Shortly after I "cranked out" baby #3 (and girl #2, if you're counting), she INSISTED that I come to a Mother's Day tea at her church. Now, by shortly, I mean, like less than two weeks. I really didn't want to go. In fact, I said no. She asked again. I said I really wasn't ready to get out and do something like that. SOOOOOOO....she called my husband. Who kind of prodded me to go.

I went to this Mother's Day tea at her very-old-fashioned-Southern-Baptist -Church in the sticks, and many members of my husband's extended family were in attendance. Also present, were about 60 people, many teenagers and young girls, including Eden (who was 4.5) and Ava (2 weeks).

We played an ice breaker/get-to-know you game. Simple game. You were given a random topic, and after you introduced yourself, you had to answer your topic with a word that began with your first initial. And then introduce your daughters/granddaughters/mothers...etc.

My Mother in Law's topic was "something you don't like to do". Easy enough, right? I can think of plenty of things I don't like to do.

She says," Hi. I'm Mary Lou. And I don't like tooooooooooooooooooooooo..........."

(This is where she acted like she couldn't think of anything. People started offering suggestions, such as, mow the grass, make dinner, manage bills...and other totally mundane and dull chores.)

The light comes on. She continues...."MAKE LOVE! I don't like to make love. This is my daughter in law, Meghan, and she doesn't have ANY trouble making love. That's why she's got so many kids."

And her response was met with DEAD SILENCE.

And, that, my friends, is the very last Mother's Day tea I will ever attend.

Blame me?

No, I didn't think so. My husband doesn't blame me either.



2. What would you say is your favourite thing about YOU? (I just had to spell favorite with a "u"...I like to pretend I'm British or Australian sometimes...now, excuse me while I use the loo...hopefully there is not a que!)

Besides the fact that I just OOZE awesomeness!??!!

I think that I am spontaneous. That I can roll with the flow (unless my crazy grandma is here. She morphs me into some kind of tense, uptight, unpleasant, crazy person just waiting to snap!), and have fun with it. Not that I don't believe a clean house is important, and my house is pretty clean (I'm serious!!), it doesn't take precedence over my kids. When they are grown, they will remember all of the fun things that we did together as a family(I hope), and not the strict toilet cleaning, vacuuming, laundry schedule that we could never veer from.

Example from my OWN childhood:

My crazy grandmother would let us spend the night on Friday's (yeah....when I was a kid! I don't go have sleepovers now....), and would spend all day Saturday cleaning. She kicked us out of bed at 6:30 in the morning, because she HAD to wash our sheets AT THAT MOMENT. She used and outdoor broom and a bucket of clorox water, and bleached out her garage every Saturday morning. What!? What's that?! You don't bleach your carport and driveway every week?! Yeah....normal people don't! In fact, I am proud to say that I have NEVER bleached my carport and driveway!!! And, of course, there was the vacuuming, and the bathrooms, and the mopping, and the weeding of the flower beds. No chore ever went undone. Not even when the grandkids were there. Sad. That is what I remember from my childhood about visiting her.

My other grandmother had NO boundaries for us at her house. We could take her good silverware to the yard, dig up some dirt, and use her good pots and pans and tupperwares to cook up a mud pie in the yard. We were allowed to spraypaint stuff, make tents with her bed sheets in the backyard, play with the hose, run through the house wet, make smores over a candle, melt crayons on the stove and make our own candles.....You name it....we did it there.
Her house was still relatively clean. But, not a museum.

Which house do I have the good memories from?

I want my kids to remember FUN. Not necessarily CLEAN.



3. Speaking of "loos", toilet paper roll...under or over?

Definitely OVER. Is there any other way?

And it MUST be Kleenex Cottonelle. My tush is totally spoiled now. No other will do.



4. What is your most memorable childhood family vacation?

When I was 14, we went to Daytona Beach for the week. My best friend got to go with us. We swam and boogie boarded, and just had a great week. It was one of those vacations that you were truly sad it was over. Probably because I wasn't the one footing the bill.



5. If you could choose one super power, what would it be?

I would LOVE to be able to travel time and distance in a split second. Is that considered morphing? Teleporting? Whatever you call it, that would be the gitchiest.



Your turn!! You know you want to!!!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Peanut Pete??!!

While a recent debate over where we would have dinner...(my mom and I are both indecisive about these things....so, as often as we go out, we have this argument...It does get old. She needs to make a decision!!!), Ava said she wanted to go eat at "the man with the teeth".

HUH? (I actually said this to her.)

She said, "You know!!! Peanut Pete!" In the most cartooniest, dramatic, cutesiest, high pitchiest voice I have ever heard. (Also, kind of implying that I must be an IDIOT if I didn't know who Peanut Pete was.)

I laughed my head off.

And, no. I have no idea who Peanut Pete is. Do you?

I just started a discussion in my Blog Frog forum for you to leave your funny kid stories! 1000 cool points for being the first post-er to respond. HA!

Things I Hate: Insomnia....Why do you curse me so????

So....you guessed it! I could NOT sleep last night. I really wanted to. I knew my body needed it. I was bone-tired. My eyes were burning. My throat was sore (you know.....that sore throat you get when you JUST NEED SLEEP!)

I HATE Insomnia. HATE IT! Unfortunately, the only medication I have ever found that will touch a migraine (for me....I know there a lot of things out there. I have tried them ALL. Unless there is something really, really new.), causes the inability to sleep. I literally feel shaky. Even my eyeballs feel like they are bouncing up and down. Weird feeling. But, sometimes, you have to choose between a migraine or knowing that you will be able to sleep eventually (you know, after the screaming-throbbing-pain-in-your-head and the vomit-until-you-dry-heave leave you unable to hold your head up, and you pass out on the floor by the toilet).

All this is to say, that I have some pretty interesting (ok...maybe not interesting....RANDOM) thoughts run through my head as I beg myself to just quit thinking and fall asleep.

1) I don't like the wallpaper in my kitchen. It is too busy and fruity and country. I guess as far as wallpapers go, it really could be worse, but, it just isn't my style. No wallpaper is my style. I HATE wallpaper. Not sure I have the energy to take on that project, though, especially considering that this is not a house that we own.

2) I really don't get what the big deal is with Jon and Kate Plus 8. Who, exactly watches this show? Parents?! People that wish to be parents? Grandparents? Kids? I don't get the obsession. I have only watched the show about 5 times (out of curiosity as to what all the craziness was...)

Here are my observations(for whatever they are worth...):

a.) I have my own kids that yell, and scream, and squeal, and fight, and tattle, and cry, and run through the house. When I do have time to watch a show for me (that isn't some stupid, boring thing my husband has put on), I do NOT want to see kids behaving poorly. Cutely?! Maybe. And they are cute kids....but, when you have 8 kids....someone is going to be crying, yelling, screaming, squealing, tattling, etc. My kids are in bed, it is quiet in my house(for once), and I am not currently dealing with this problem. Why do I want to watch these people deal with it??!

b.) People that wish to be parents....this should be some pretty good birth control for you.

c.) Why do they recap after every commercial break?? It is a 30 minute show. Do they think that our short term memory is that short??They repeat the same thing over and over and over and over.....Example: Today is Mady's special day. Because today is Mady's special day, ________. *commercial break* So, we are headed out to Mady's special day. A special day is when just one kid gets to spend the day with Mom and Dad doing whatever they want. Today is Mady's turn. *commercial break* We are out enjoying Mady's special day. Today is Mady's special day. Special days are important. It's Mady's special day.

d.) There is NO WAY I would let my kids watch this show. They do not need ANY MORE examples of whining, crying, fighting, tattling, squealing, etc.

I really don't get the obsession with this show. All current issues totally aside.

3. Two toddlers, a 6:30 am wake up, and insomnia are a brutal combination. Even at 3 am, and in a slight delirious state, I dread the coming day.

4. Frozen Hershey kisses could be the PERFECT late night insomnia snack.

5. Wal-Mart (not my favorite place) has been the stage for many embarrassing moments for me. A bathroom emergency that resulted in my accidental use of the men's room, my 3 year old (now 9) disappeared (It was one of the most terrifying moments of my LIFE....) for what felt like an eternity, and just yesterday, my niece couldn't think of anything better to say...so she just kept saying...... "NOISE......NOOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIISE......NOISE.....NOOOOOOOOIIIIIIISE!!!!!!" ........ over and over and over and over and over. All the way through the store. ALL. THE. WAY. Everyone in the store had bumped into us somewhere in the store. And giggled as we walked by. And everytime we passed by they thought, "There goes the NOISE kid again." (Yes, I am a mind reader, and that is what they thought. )

6. I watched the movie Eagle Eye the other day. My instinct....good movie. Not really possible. Anyone else seen it? Its basically about a super computer that hacks into every computer in the country (personal computers, government databases, traffic signals, bank data...etc), and then calls people from a cell phone, and uses death threats to manipulate the people into a complicated assassination ploy.

My dad absolutely believes that this is possible. He absolutely believes you could go into Circuit City, and on all the TV's in the showroom, your personal information, birth certificate, social security, bank statements, health records, private emails, digital pictures, blog entries, and social networking site profiles could be displayed by a government conspiracy for all to see.

Crazy. He will NOT get a Facebook. He is horrified that I would have one!! He would DIE if he knew I had a blog. HA!

8. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy that Paula is gone off of American Idol. I cringe every time I have to listen to her make a train wreck of a statement. Most of the time we fast forwarded through her...errrr..... thoughts (I say this very, very loosely.) Even when it is obvious that she has really tried to gather her thoughts, and come up with a cohesive critique.....well, it just sounds like it should be featured on the "This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs." commercial. It would be a great follow up. You know, provide a literal example for all the kids.

Anyhoo.....my favorite part is the bad auditions up front. It absolutely cracks me up! I know this is in TOTAL contradiction with my feelings about Paula, but, she was being paid to speak. Really. Its different. I enjoy the rest of the season, as well, but there are always a few that I am just IRRITATED that theywere put through. And that stay on. Like Bird Girl from last year. WHAT WAS THAT????? Again, train wreck! What about you guys? Bad auditions OR the finals?

I guess that is all for the randomness. There probably is more, (I know there is, but, my sleep deprived mind can't remember all the fuzzy details. It is almost, almost, like trying to remember a dream. But, you know, without the sleep. AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH sleep. Can't wait for tonight!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Miss Busy Body

Does everyone have a child like this?

You know...a little mama. Into everyone else's business...except her own, of course.

My Miss Busy Body, Eden, will be 8 next week. I figure it's time she had some responsibilities around here, right?



So, I asked her to make her bed. I went to dry my hair. She promptly.....made Ava's bed. But, I didn't know this, until I caught her trying to make up my bed. Did she make up her bed????? NO. Explain this!!

A few days ago, she wanted some Cheerios. Or Honey Loop Oat Rounds(or.... whatever the generic ones are called. You know...in the big bag?? You get my drift!) She asked if she could get some cereal. I said sure! She's almost 8! Right??!! So.... instead of getting the half-full, plastic cereal container....that is perfectly manageable for young hands.....she decided she is going to get the big bag, and fill up the rest of the container. Did I ask her to do that???? NO. About two minutes later (as I was eating my cereal in the dining room, and thinking she was just pouring up her cereal in the kitchen), I heard a gushing spill. Needless to say, I swept up almost half the bag, and threw it away.


This morning, she asked if I was about ready to make her lunch.

"Not yet! Be there in a minute!"

When I got to the kitchen to make her lunch, I found about 6 slices of bread on the floor in a neat pile. The bottom one was the end (who eats that part, anyway??? My mom does....she's weird! But that is a whole 'nother post!!!), so I trashed the end piece, and put the rest back. Again, did I ask her to try to make her own sandwich?? NO!! (She cried all the way to school about my making her sandwich with "floor bread", by the way!)



Ava came down the stairs a few days ago, crying, and said, "Eden spank me." Ummm, WHAT???


She calls Ava "sweetie" and "honey", and her tone is very....condescending. Pious. I'm not sure which. But, I don't call any of them those names, or use that tone. Seriously. So, I am confused by where it comes from. (T.V.? Again, whole 'nother post!)


She is constantly lecturing Lane, on everything from hygiene (which, let me just say, Eden has NO room to talk!!) to his handwriting.


I can't get her to clean up her OWN mess, but she loves getting into other people's messes, and then lecturing them about it!



I could go ON and ON and ON and ON with these examples ALL DAY!!


I really have no problem with her trying to be helpful. Really.


But, do what you are supposed to do, before you take on someone else's job.


And, you are NOT the MAMA!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

ATTN: Toilet Abuser...Additional Rules

Dear Ava:

Thank you SO much for your recent compliance with the bathroom standards set forth here, and here.

Please relay these rules to your cousin. Thank you in advance for your efforts.

In addition, also let Kyla know that:

We do NOT pee anywhere but the toilet. This includes, but is not limited to her pants, the floor, the closet, the carpet, the bathtub, the carseat, the couch, the dining room table, etc.

We do NOT poop anywhere but the toilet.

We do NOT run upstairs to poop in our pants in private.

We do NOT wait until naptime to poop in our naptime diaper as soon as the attending adult leaves the room.

We especially do NOT poop in our pants when Aunt Meghan is the attending adult. We should wait until Mimi gets home from work.

Please be advised that these new policies are effective immediately.

Thanks