Bringing Home the Bacon

Am I the only woman out there that feels that the man who claims to "bring home the bacon" should actually shop for it? Or at the very least be willing to pick up a gallon of milk on his way home from work? Grocery shopping is perhaps the most menial and abhorrent task that has to be completed. Simply the thought of having to go grocery shopping makes me want to go into a deep depression.

Think about it this way: Grocery shopping is merely the beginning of a lengthy list of chores for the Mama.

But before the shopping can even begin, you have to get the kids ready for the adventure. And inevitably, there will be a dirty diaper just as you are getting into the car. And, goody, it seeped through. To your clothes, too. So you get everyone back out, change your disgusting child, and yourself, and start over. Okay. Seatbelts everybody! Then you hear, " Mommy, I have to go potty! BAAAD!" You put it in park, take the pee-pee queen to the potty, and then back in the car. Finally, you are on your way. Then you remember that you forgot your purse. So...you turn the car around, open the garage, and go back in the house for the third time.

Once you finally arrive at the store, you are already so frustrated from the delay of game(not to mention the kids constant bickering during the ride), that you are in NO mood for there to be no carts. But you wait patiently until one is available. Immediately your kids start begging for foods that are incredibly unhealthy, or simply because they have a picture of SpongeBob on the label. I am convinced I could get my kids to eat broccoli, asparagus, brussell sprouts(insert any food here) if only there was a picture of SpongeBob on the box. You tell the kids they can only pick out one box of cereal, but they can't agree on what, so that turns into a knock down drag out in the middle of the store. I seriously, seriously cannot think of anything more embarrassing than your kids wrestling on the floor of the cereal aisle in a store. KIDDING!!! I am kidding! Ahem. My kids do NOT wrestle in the floor in the cereal aisle...(oh, wait, what do you mean? It isn't Not Me! Monday? Oh, sorry...)

Then comes the cookie isle. The baby begins screaming because she wants an animal cracker NOW! There really is no reasoning with a 1 year old. But at the same time, you can't really open the box up in the store, now can you! The old lady buying vanilla wafers says " Next time dearie, you should plan ahead and pack a snack for the baby." And you are thinking "Next time, I will not bring her! UGH!" Then you look over to see that your older children have just dumped 6 boxes of Oreos into your cart. As you scold them and put the cookies back, you look back over to see that the baby has just ripped a hole in the package of ground beef.

Now flustered beyond your breaking point, you make your way to the checkout counter, hoping against hope that you have secured enough food to make dinners for the week(Even if it is omelettes. Everyday.). You pick the shortest line, only to find that the customer in front of you is writing a check, and needs manager approval. So you wait...........and wait......and wait. Finally it is your turn. "Paper or plastic?" And you are thinking, "I don't give a rat's behind! Paper or plastic! JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE!" But...you calmly reply. And you unload all of your selections onto the conveyor belt. You have a momentary panic attack, because your checkcard is not in your wallet. But you find it down in your purse, next to the happy meal toy and the half eaten lollypop. You pay, and the bag boy helps you out to your car. You make small talk to be polite, but you are screaming obsenities in your mind. You barely save the bread and eggs before the "helpful" bagboy puts the milk on top of them.

Then you make the trip home amongst the fighting. You tell the kids to hush and look out their own windows. Then the tattling begins. "Heeee's looking out my win-doooow." And you have to wonder how she knows that, if she were actually looking out of her window.

You get home, and unload the car. Then you take everything out of the bags, and try to find somewhere to put the food. Which means you are probably cleaning out the refrigerator. And hoping that nothing in there is moldy or rotten.

By the time you get everything situated, it is time to make dinner. So you drag it all back out. And make a mess in the kitchen that you will have to clean. So you see, what should be a very simple errand..... is really only the beginning of an elaborate cluster of chores.

You have to load the groceries into the cart, unload them onto the conveyor belt, reload them into the cart, unload them into the car, unload them out of the car, then out of the bags, and into your cabinets/fridge. If you ask me, that's way too much handling. Then, you have to take said groceries, and actually make something out of them. And, clean up the mess afterward.

If "bringing home the bacon" means that someone else goes to the grocery store, then SIGN ME UP!!! And the next time my husband says he is too tired after work to pick up one measly little item, I am going to give him the list, and have him take all the kids with him. HA!