TOO MUCH Family Togetherness...

...has been known to cause nervous breakdowns, the likes of which are not comparable to any other nerve-wrecking event.

My last 2 posts have been vague on the crazy family drama...but I am really starting to believe that my family could be a top contender for America's nuttiest family.

Last week, my mom and 2 year old niece came to visit for two weeks. I am very excited and happy that they are still here.

But the crazy train, in all its glory, pulled into the station on Thursday... when my grandmother(who we call Mamaw) arrived. (Thankfully, she left for home yesterday, and my sanity is slowly-but-surely returning.

It ALL started with directions. She has been bugging my mom for a month to mail her the directions to MY house. Now...we have only moved to this home, in this region, within the last three months, and, the visit we are currently involved in is the first time my mom has been here. Did my grandmother ask ME for directions? NO. But...whatever. How hard is Mapquest??

Well, according to Mamaw...Mapquest was wrong. My mom was wrong. We are ALL wrong and we ALL heard ALL about it for 5 days. I must say....I am amazed that she made it to my exit.

The directions said "Take Exit 44 and then turn LEFT."

Mamaw turned RIGHT.

She still doesn't get what she did wrong. ...

So, we had to go find her. Only she didn't know where she was. Just at a Shell station. I asked if she would go into the gas station and ask for the address(or at the VERY least...the town she was in). NOOOOOOO....she started telling me. You just go down past the interstate and there is a Chevron across the street from me. YOU don't even know where YOU are. How are YOU going to tell ME how to get there??????!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Which would almost make me feel sorry for her. Except for the fact that she was SO belligerent and ANGRY, that she never quit YELLING about the directions being WRONG long enough to see what she did wrong.

My husband thinks we should get her a Garmin. Really? She can't even operate her cell phone! Really??!! It would either (A) go totally unused, or (B) cause her to run into a pole, when the nice lady says turn right NOW. Because she would take it literally ya'll. There would be no room for interpretation.

SO, then she started a North-South-East-West debate. We were driving North. The sun was setting in the west. Mamaw points out that the sun was setting in the west, that we must be going south because the sun was to the left of us, then got angry and said that my built in compass on my Tahoe was WRONG. (I can't even do this story justice in writing, ya'll. You seriously, seriously had to be in my car with me to understand my pain. And my mom's. She had to grow up with this. It really is remarkable that she is sane. This argument continued for about 30 minutes. I was SCREAMING internally. I was really about to pull hairs out of my head.)

Something about my grandmother....she has ALWAYS tried to be secretive about you... behind your back. Especially to your OWN children. For example....she has ALWAYS talked bad about my father to me. My aunt and uncle have recently divorced, and she is ALWAYS trying to milk info out of my cousins(who range in age from 9 to 16!!!) That is just WRONG!!!

So, of course, tradition continues. She bashed my parenting to my mom, and to my kids. Lane has a thin enamel on his baby teeth, and as a result, has had many cavities, including a pulpation and a silver cap. My girls do not have this problem and have never had a cavity. The dentist, who IS qualified and certified to provide HIS opinion of such things to me, has said that this is NOT the result of poor dental hygiene or diet. There are SOME preventative measures that we can take (no juice or sticky foods...which we follow, strictly. I mean, really, I don't want the dental bills!!! That kid is expensive!!!), but he will have cavities in his baby teeth. Thankfully, his permanent teeth seem to be very healthy. She gave Lane a whispered lecture about how his mom should have taken better care of his teeth, and that he had better do a better job of keeping his teeth clean if he doesn't want to have them all pulled out!!

Ummmm....EXCUSE ME??????

She also felt the need to speak with my mother about this as well. Did she ever mention it to me? NO.

Sunday night, my husband wanted to know if a certain shirt that he wanted to wear the next day was clean. It wasn't, so he and I(together) separated the laundry together, and he went and turned on the washing machine, while I started bathing 4 kids(my own 3 and my niece).

Apparently, and I overheard part of the whispered conversation, Mamaw wanted to know if BJ get tired of ALWAYS having to do the laundry. What??!! He started the washing machine. There are many, many more steps involved in doing the laundry. That is just one. I put them in the dryer....and I folded them and put them away. Seems to me, he got off pretty easy. Especially seeing how HE was the one who wanted a load of laundry done in the first place. He had other clean clothes to wear. If he wants to be picky, and has to have his special NIKE sweat and stank drying shirt(that he stunk up on Saturday evening) for Monday morning, then he should start the laundry. He should be thankful I finished the rest of it.

Oh, and I don't know if I have told you, but my family is, according to Mamaw, the unhealthiest family in the world. We don't eat appropriately (even when eating exactly what she eats), and I do not prepare healthy foods (even when preparing recipes that were passed down from her...) and, I am irresponsible for NOT giving my children juice. Even if that IS doctor (well, dentist) recommended. Mamaw says there is NO difference in them having a piece of fruit and a glass of water, than there is in giving them juice. I disagree. There is a cups worth of sugar difference! And even still, if you REALLY believe that, then what problem is it, really, that you have with my giving my children an apple and and some water at snack time. Really??

She pitched a fit (behind my back...but Eden told me) about me having a hair appointment....on a SUNDAY.( *GASP* Sunday is the Lord's Day. We should be resting! Or washing my spoiled husband's laundry...yeah. I am bitter. Are you just catching on to this??? FYI: My hair appointment was EXTREMELY restful. I was rested. My ears were rested....from her incessant preaching!)

Sunday evening, I came home to cook dinner (Yeah, this has to be done, even on Sunday!)
BJ really wanted pizza. For the 3rd day in a row, he asked to go to the Mellow Mushroom. So, I smirked, and said that if my mom and grandmother were agreeable to that, then that would be fine. They both agreed, with my grandmother even saying enthusiastically "I like pizza!" We got to the Mellow Mushroom, and sat down. Starting looking over the menus, and trying to decide which kind of pizza everyone wanted. When Mamaw starts pitching a fit about not being able to eat tomato sauce. WHAT?? WHAT IN THE &^%%$@$#&^@*^$ do you think is on PIZZA!!??? AND WHY ARE YOU JUST NOW MENTIONING THIS???(Especially since I made a cheesy spaghetti on Thursday night, and she asked for the recipe!) So we are suggesting stromboli, trying to explain what that is, she is interrupting....whatever. It was a frustrating experience. Seriously. Frustrating. Experience. The guy at the table next to us was having shots. I was seriously jealous. Very. Jealous. I started to go and sit at the table with him. The lady behind us started talking to my mom about our family, and how nice it must be to have four generations together for a visit. She told us to enjoy our special time together. Ummmmm....NOT POSSIBLE!!


All she did the ENTIRE time she was here was COMPLAIN...COMPLAIN....COMPLAIN. And argue about how right she is...and how WRONG everyone else is.

My mom was commenting about my cousins, and how much they had grown up, and Mamaw actually said that the 9 year old (who probably weighs 70 pounds...is tall and skinny as a twig) is thick and going to be just as fat and shapeless as her mama. WHAT???!!! She is your grandchild. Inappropriate, much??

This whole post has really been nothing more than a rant. I really had to get that out.

This really is cheaper than therapy.