Tuesday, November 24, 2009

ATTN: Toilet Abuser

Dear Toilet Abuser,

The purpose of the these memos is to teach proper toilet etiquette. Therefore, I must insist that you may NEVER, NEVER , NEVER place a piece of used toilet paper in a box to give as a gift. This does not send a good message to the recipient of such a gift. Along those lines, it is equally inappropriate for you to tell the recipient of such a gift that they may not put it in the toilet, tear it, or flush it. That is, indeed, the only proper way to handle used toilet paper. While I know that your grandmother does appreciate your artwork, used toilet paper does not fall under that category. Let's stick with computer paper and markers.

In addition, please make sure that you are hitting the toilet, and not the floor when you are using the bathroom.

In this establishment, we flush every time the toilet is used. This is not negotiable. Your skills in this area have been lacking to say the least.

The bathtub is NOT an acceptable alternate to the toilet.

The sink is NOT an acceptable alternate to the toilet.

All previous rules, regulations, and memos STILL apply.

Thank you,

Your Mother

Friday, November 20, 2009


On the way to school this morning, Lane says, " I actually woke up at 5:22 this morning, but I layed back down til 6:15 to get some more rest...so I won't be dainty today."

As I stifled the giggles, I asked, "Lane, do you know what dainty means?"

His reply, "Yes. It means fragile."

OK, then.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The DMV: Every Bit as Exciting as I Dreamed!

We arrived at the Department of Motor Vehicles, took a number, and sat down to wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.

My number was called. I procured my 15 (or 5) documents. The lady asked, " Don't you have an updated Social Security Card?"

Well, no, I don't. I'm sure that much is obvious, what with the crinkled, dirty edges, and third-grade signature.

What I did have was the following:

Driver's License
Marriage License
Birth Certificate
Social Security Card (ya know, the dirty, old one)

She said that she would be unable to process my driver's license without an updated Social Security Card.

So, I have been able to obtain a FL driver's license, 2 mortgages....(and the mortgage company even collected the results of my last pap smear!....ok they didn't, but you know it is a rigorous procedure, including thorough credit reports...which, last time I checked, was done with your social security number!), numerous car loans, insurances, phone services, and utilities. I have completed tax returns for the last 9 years, all with no problems.....and no one has ever requested an updated social security card. Until today.

So, off to the Social Security Administration. And I waited. And waited. And waited.Once I got up to the window, it only took a few minutes. But, it won't be fully processed until midnight. (And I still don't have an updated card. Just a receipt saying that one has been requested.)

I have to go back to the DMV tomorrow. Curses!!

I am so dreading the picture! Why can't they take 6, like a portait studio, and let you pick your favorite?

I told my husband that my name has been officially changed. He was thrilled!! His exact words?

"Oh, good! Now I don't have to feel guilty about last night!"

Romance at its finest!

Curse You, DMV!!!

Ah, The Department of Motor Vehicles! What a delightful place!!!! Uh, NOT!

Today, I am off to the DMV for the second day in a row. Apparently, if you are trying to get an out-of-state license transferred to an in-state license, you need a LONG list of documentation, $28.50 in cash (Cash ??....SERIOUSLY! Why can't the government get with the times???? CASH?! At least make it in an amount that can be easily withdrawn from a ATM! )

There are three separate departments of our particular DMV, and yesterday, I managed to visit them ALL, before I was finally pointed in the right direction. An out-of-state license transfer has to be seen by the state examiner. So I get to wait with 16 year old's who are actually taking driving tests. I waited for nearly an hour yesterday and they called one number. There were 10 people ahead of me. The license renewal station had no wait. Seriously. All you have to do is look at my 15 documents, and take my picture. WHY do I need to wait while teenagers take their driving test?!

I forgot to mention that my license is now expired. I really hope I don't have to take a driving test with the 16 year olds. How ridiculous! I have been driving for 15 years without incident. I would think that the DMV could check their records and see that I have been driving for that long...without incident. But, if I have to wait with the 16 year olds, my mind is making me think that I may have to test with the 16 year olds.

I can see it now......

"OK kids, buckle up! Mommy has to take a driving test!"

Kid 1: "Why Mommy?"
Kid 3: "Who is that man in our car?"
Kid 2: "He smells funny."
Kid1: "Does not!"
Kid 2: DOES TOO!"

Me: "Guys, be nice."

Kid 1: "She's not being nice!"
Kid 2: " YES HUH! You are being a stink head!"
Kid 1: " I thought you said that MAN was the stink head!"

(Meanwhile Kid 3 starts throwing a tantrum, because Kid 3 cannot ride or 30 seconds in the car without the DVD player on.)

I slam on brakes in the middle of an intersection, and begin reaming my children out:


I can see the headline now!

Crazed Driver Stops in a Busy Intersection; Terrified Driving Examiner Runs in Fear

Wow! I really, REALLY am hoping that it is just paperwork. REALLY.

Gotta love government agencies!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Back to Semi-Normal....If There Is Such A Thing

After a much longer-than-expected hiatus, my life has FINALLY returned to a semi normal state. I think we are all pretty much aware that there is no such thing as normal...but I am not surrounded by boxes, and we have the basic neccessities: housing, food, water, and internet. What more could a girl ask for?! (Maybe a little less drama.....)

Anyhow, I didn't get to fill you guys in on the MAJOR moving drama. Our original move date was October 10th. So, like the good little organized housewife I am, I packed up the whole house, minus enough clothing for a week and our kitchen. The date got pushed back to the 15th. And then the 24th. And then the 27th. And then the 31st. After that, there was NO MORE wiggle room. We had to be out on the 31st. Period. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. So, ya know, when I got the phone call on the evening of the 28th that we were being pushed back again...I went into panic mode. We spent all day Thursday looking for a new place. Friday we were loading our truck not knowing if we had actualy gotten the place we applied for. Yes, loading the Uhaul with no where to go!!! And then, when the property manager called me that afternoon to tell me that we got the place and could come sign the lease, I was relieved. And then I remembered that I hadn't packed the kitchen. As we were leaving to go sign the lease, the landlord (of the house we were moving out of) showed up to help. So, while we were gone, she packed my kitchen. Unorthodox?? Yes! But it got done.

The landlord of the house that fell through was a major source of drama, as she spent our deposit, so she split it, and post dated more than half of it. We were ok financially, thank goodness, but the principle of the matter sent me over the edge. She took a sizeable deposit from us, did not hold up her end of the deal, and spent it. I was FURIOUS!!! She didnt even tell me. Just sent me a post dated check and a letter. Rude!!

I am finally out of boxes. 5 weeks is a LONG time to live out of boxes.

Speaking of boxes, our family packed up three shoeboxes for Operation Christmas Child. This is a great ministry that sends shoeboxes full of goodies to needy children all over the world. Lane wrote the following letter to go in his box:

Merry Christmas!
I am glad you are getting stuff for Christmas. We are so happy that now you aren't poor anymore. Maybe now you can get smart, and not be poor.

(Insert picture of a reindeer sniffing Santa's rear. I wasn't really sure that this was his intention...so I asked him. It was.)

We are assisting a rewrite.

I have a LOT of blog reading to catch up on. A WHOLE LOT! So if my retinas aren't bleeding by the time I finish (which will probably be several days from now), I hope to be back to my regularly scheduled posting.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Milk Police

Eden has taken it upon herself to keep tabs on each family member's milk usage. She is paticularly interested in Lane's milk habits. Every morning as I am trying to get ready for the day (read: gone back to bed for "just a minute"), Eden comes in and starts whine-yelling (yes, the combo is possible. And ANNOYING!) that Lane is "just wasting all the mi-yulk!!".

See, in her mind, any milk that goes to her brother is wasted. Her definition of wasted is not the same as mine. My definition of wasted milk would be that someone poured it down the drain. Wasted milk would expire before it was used. Wasted milk would be spilled all over the floor.

So, again, I told her "I DON'T CARE! Mind your own business, and make sure you don't waste any of the milk that you poured by not drinking it."

Oh, yes. Did I forget to mention that the milk policeman (er.....police-girl) is notorious for pouring milk and NOT drinking it?

Very ironic....

Monday, October 12, 2009

Not Me Monday

Welcome to Not Me Monday! This is the place where we do NOT let it all hang out! Visit MckMama to see what she has NOT been up to!

Last night, Ava did NOT scream, "EDEN POOPED IN THE TUB!"
Eden did NOT yell back, " Na-AH! THAT WAS AVA!"
I did NOT have to clean said poop out of the tub. All of my children are toilet trained, and none of them would be so disgusting as to poop in the bathtub. In the same water that they are sitting in. And sharing with their sister. No one did NOT confess to this heinous offense. My children always admit their faults and ask for forgiveness.

We are NOT in the midst of a very unorganized and disconcerting move. Our current landlord has NOT begun to move in on top of us, with their things piled to the ceiling in our dining room and guest room. My dining room furniture and piano are NOT currently in the middle of my kitchen. The guest room furniture is NOT in the living room. There are NOT boxes everywhere. I am NOT actually going insane. We were NOT told that our new house would not be available for two more weeks. Our landlord does NOT expect to move in this weekend. This is NOT a disaster.

I am NOT in a cooking slump. I have NOT eaten at every fast food restaurant in our general vicinity in the last week. I did NOT set out a pork tenderloin, fully intent on preparing a great meal tonight, only to get a sudden craving for Logan's, and decide to go out at the last minute. I am very disciplined, and always stick to my menu plan. Last minute dining out is NOT a regular part of our routine.

My car is in pristine condition. I am NOT embarrassed at all when teachers open the doors in the pick up line..... and trash falls out. There is NOT trash in my car, therefore it is NOT even possible for trash to fall out. I do NOT think to myself.....everytime I get in the car, "when I get home, we are cleaning this car OUT!" I do NOT put it off another day each and every time we get home. We did NOT have a friend in the car the other day. Lane did NOT tell this friend that if he got hungry, there was an old chicken nugget under the seat. My child would NEVER knowlingly leave a chicken nugget under the seat of the car.