Crazy Family

I think I have discovered that just about everyone thinks that their family is crazy.

Mine really is.

I actually used to believe that my family was normal.

Both parents, still together....church every Sunday... Home cooked meal every night with the whole family at the table...backyard baseball games....Deep conversations....

Boy, was I wrong.

I used to believe that the people on Jerry Springer were actors.

I think my family could fit in there now.

I think I am in the twilight zone.

I think that at least 2 members of my immediate family (in generations parallel and preceding my own) need some serious psychiatric intervention.

I am SO over it.

Some people need to grow up, accept responsibility for their actions, and start taking some steps forward in their own lives, instead of blaming everyone else for the problems that they have created for themselves. Quit lying to yourself, and quit lying to me. Quit holding your hand out for more. Help yourself....here's a hint....If you don't like the direction your life is going, turn around and go a different way. Just a suggestion. Quit being a bunch of mooches. GROW UP!

Quit dragging the rest of us down.

Or, we all might need psychiatric intervention before too long.

Piddle Puddle

Dear Ava,

I am glad that you read my latest notice regarding the usage rights of my bathroom. Unfortunately, I believe you missed the part where I said "choose another toilet".

I thank you for respecting my wishes that you not use my toilet. I do, however, wish that you would use a toilet. It is not acceptable to just pee on the floor.

Thank you.

Tired of cleaning up human waste (A.K.A.- your mother)

Attention: Toilet Abuser...FINAL NOTICE

Attention: Toilet Abuser

You have not responded to my previous request that you use your own bathroom. In fact, you have continued to abuse the toilet in my bathroom, and it has grown increasingly worse by the day!!

After finding a toilet full of nastiness this afternoon (SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad, I made sure the plunger was in my hand before I even attempted to flush), "number two" smeared ALL OVER MY TOILET SEAT, and a puddle of piddle on the floor, I must insist that you cease and desist effective immediately.

New rule....No one under the age of *my age* is allowed into my bathroom. If this rule is broken, the new rule will be that no one under the age of *my age* is allowed into my bedroom. If that rule is broken......well.......then you can live in the shed behind the house.

Thank you.

WHAT DID I JUST DO????!!!!!!

I just had a HUGE I-cannot-believe-I-just-did-that moment!!

I was minding my own business, baking brownies and labeling school supplies in the kitchen...keeping an eye on the clock because it was coming up on the time to go pick Lane and Eden up from their camp at school. I was getting ready to go...it was about 10 minutes til time to pick them up, and they were only 2 minutes away.

The phone rang.

I saw the caller I.D.

It was my husband.

He said, "GO PICK UP THE KIDS!"

And, it hit me. The power had gone out a few days ago. The clock on the stove is wrong. I am thirty minutes late picking up my kids. AND BJ KNOWS!!!!

I will never hear the end of this!!!

And, to be honest, I feel really, really badly about it. Poor kids!! They were embarrassed....I am embarrassed. At least we can be together in our embarrassment.

OR NOT!

They aren't going to let me hear the end of it, either!!!

Not My Child! Monday

Lane did NOT do a disappearing act at church this week. It did NOT take over an hour to find him, because none of the other kids knew where he was, and he wasn't where he was supposed to be. I was NOT about to call the police when I found him, and I was NOT instantly relieved, followed immediately by a fury that made me want to first hug him, and then beat him within an inch of his life. Instead, I did NOT take away all video games and TV for the day. And he did NOT sulk because of it.

Eden did NOT put all of her newly laundered, folded clothes into the dirty clothes hamper so that she wouldn't have to put them away. We take our laundry seriously in this house. Remember, I AM the laundry aficionado, and she comes by her laundry affinity honestly.

Ava did NOT barge into my bathroom while I was on the toilet, and attempt to pull me off, stating emphatically "IT"S MY TURN! GET UP!"

She also did NOT see some people of Asian descent in Target this week, and yell out "CHINESE!" and point at them.

Lane and Eden did NOT manage to go to day camp at their school today without their hair brushed.

When Lane asked me if he could play a video game this week, I did NOT ask a question of him in return. I did NOT ask if he had brushed his teeth at all that day. He did NOT tuck his head down in shame, and say "no". It was NOT 4:00 pm.

Eden, at nearly 8 years old, does NOT still suck on her finger. I did NOT decide yesterday that enough was enough, and go to the store in search of thumb-sucking deterrent. She did NOT throw a tantrum when it was time to put it on her finger, and my husband did NOT have to hold her down while I brushed it on. I did NOT say to her that it was only fitting that she was behaving like such a baby, since only babies sucked on their fingers anyway.

Ava did NOT learn how to give a wet willie this week. She did NOT decide that since she couldn't get her yucky finger in mine or Eden's ear, to give herself the wet willie.

My kids are NOT hilarious, and they do NOT get mad when I laugh at them.

Head on over to MckMama's for this special edition of Not Me! Monday, and see what everyone else's kids have NOT been doing this week.

Wet Willie Weirdo

Ava has recently learned the "art" of the Wet Willie. Disgusting, I know, but one of the many rites of passage of childhood.

So, she sucked on her finger, got it good and slimy, and came after me. I successfully blocked her efforts. Sensing that there was no way possible she would be able to put her finger in my ear, she decided to locate her next victim. She made a move toward Eden. Eden was also able to avoid the spit-covered finger.

Seeing no more available receivers of the slimy finger, and not wanting a perfectly good slobbery finger going to waste, Ava decided to give the wet willie to...........herself.

Crazy girl!!!

Attention: Toilet Abuser!!!

Attention: Whichever child o' mine that continues to use my toilet. Without flushing. Daily. Even though I have asked repeatedly that you use another bathroom. My bathroom is for me. And I actually pee in the toilet, not in all surrounding areas.

I understand that you don't want to use your own bathroom. I wouldn't want to use your bathroom, either! (I do clean it often, but after one use, it's shot!) But there are two others. Please choose one of these toilets. Or, just use yours. I got it just for you kids! That way, all the nastiness can be contained in one room...and my bathroom can remain sacred.

Thanks.

P.S.- Ava,

Since I am pretty sure you are the toilet abuser, please refrain from coming into the bathroom when I am using it. Do not ask me to get up. There is no such thing as taking turns with toilets. You have your own. I will not share mine.

Thank you.